Los Angeles, California

Where paradise turns to hell

 

 

 

 

Roland Michel Tremblay

 

www.crownedanarchist.com

rm@crownedanarchist.com

 

 

 

 

Download a doc (MS Word) or a lit (MS ebook) version:

http://www.crownedanarchist.com/losangeles.doc

http://www.crownedanarchist.com/losangeles.lit

http://www.crownedanarchist.com/losangeles.htm

 

 

 

 

Summary

 

 

Where am I? What have I done?

I will never go anywhere

Suicidal No More

I wish I was a bum

Los Angeles already has its hook on me

I donít want to fall in love again!

Permanent Summer with Palm Trees and Canyons

Iím a pussy

My Great Shitting and Peeing Period

Iím a Pedophile

I can kiss my career in politics goodbye

Why have I not thought of that first?

Whatever it is you couldnít stand about me

My Imaginary Girlfriend

My Real Boyfriend

You can rape me all you want

My new big venture will destroy everything

How and why has this reached me?

Iím closer than ever

Can I be even more metaphysical than that?

My Island

Los Angeles does not really exist

One billion deaths is not enough for me

Private Equity, our New Religion

We may still save humanity in America

The extinction of humanity

Hail to the bugs, the true leaders of this world

Awareness in San Francisco

My Rough Edges

Do I have to be completely off my mind?

My attempt to find happiness

Child Suicide

Jesus Christ was a Homosexual

I must be drunk to provoke you like that

I came to Los Angeles to become a positive force

I Feel Elated!

My Darkest Thoughts

Beyond that Californian Mountain

I want to be a Damn Modern Californian Hippy!

Who else can I destroy?

Study your symbolism, for godís sake!

Genius

You tried to get me sacked, this is War

The World is filled with Backstabbers

Donít Ask, Donít Tell, Iíve been told to stop talking about my sexuality

Drinking yourself to death in L.A.

Theyíve been testing me, like a rat!

Youíre not so cool after all

A Cool Summer Day in London

Oh my God! How will I survive this?

Reaching an L.A. Crisis

I finally went to Disney Land, Heek!

Got to get back to some sense of normality

It always comes back to that, isnít it?

Where the fuck am I?

I thought you were dead

Feeling orgasmic aboutÖ another project

500,000 people in New Orleans need mental health services

The Decline of the Gay American Empire

Iím in Awe!

I fell in love in Cannes

Tomorrow will be such a great day all over L.A.!

Sweet Chinese Girl

I can get away with murder, remember that

Iím Unstoppable!

Power is nothing

Tomorrow, weíre all sick

One more day in the Bible Belt, and I might have to shoot you all

Desperate for a gun in America

The Mormonís Disney Land in Utah

What Salt Lake City has got to offer

Let me buy you out just to shut you up

Just continue to follow the trends

Compensating for being Extra Fat

Iím Dying Here!

Iíve survived another suicide attempt

I cannot be trusted, I will fail every time

Quíen pensez-vous?

Hounslow West, my Lesser Hell

Iím crying for London again!

Another legal action against me

Wild in L.A.

Desperately Seeking Pubic Lice Lotion in L.A.

Completely screwed up

Thereís no end to it

Tonight I am alive!

I Shall be Free!

There is still hope for me

You must think Iím an old pervert

Notice of Resignation, The Perfect Sample Letter

Leaving Los Angeles

Garage Sale, a Bargain!

Whatever your achievements, it will always be useless

Living beyond everyoneís expectations

Do we need to alienate the whole world?

I have lived! And now I can dieÖ

 

 

Where am I? What have I done?

 

I am lost

Took a wrong turn at some point

And now I have been shipped to L.A.

Without my will

Without being aware

Just followed destiny

The path all laid out for me

Destiny must be wrong

I donít feel right

I belong to London

I belong to England

Oh my King, will you ever forgive me

For abandoning you like this

Sacrificing everything for something I donít believe in

Seemed so attractive at the time

Seemed so promising and filled with opportunities

Which have not materialized

Perhaps it is because I have done nothing since I am here

I have not tried to connect to anyone

I am so tired

Just thinking about doing anything is a killer

I just want to go to bed and sleep forever

I have no more dreams

No more goals

I am as good as dead

Hollywood, Los Angeles, California

Killed my last hope

 

Summary

 

 

I will never go anywhere

 

You can have all the talent in the world

You can have all the potential that you will ever need

You can be driven to madness with your work

And write and write and write until you drop dead

You can have produced everything there is under the sun

You can have done it all and then done it all again

And yet, you are not going anywhere anytime soon

You can move closer to the buzz

You can be right in the middle of it all

Where it is all happening

And yet, nothing is happening

Nothing will ever happen

You are stuck on this planet forever

With nowhere to go

Nothing to hope for

Disillusioned by what life has to offer

For your happiness at least

The void, the big large void

You have never existed

You will never exist

Thirty years completely wasted

 

Where would I be today

Without those stupid dreams

That drove me to insanity?

Not in Hollywood, thatís for sure

What was I thinking?

I must be mad

How can I correct my mistake?

How can I go back in time

And stop this from ever happening

How can I just erase those last few months

How can I change my life for the better?

 

Is there not a quick guide

An instruction book somewhere?

To make everything easier

To prevent you from destroying your life

And the life of others who love you?

 

I am in a Black Hole

The biggest of all

At the end of the funnel

Iíll be crushed

I think Iíve reached that point

There is no going back

No one escapes Black Holes

You would have thought I would have seen it coming

You would have thought I would have found a way out

Dreams make you blind

Dreams bring your downfall

 

I will have to pay for my mistakes

I will never go anywhere

Ever again

 

Summary

 

 

Suicidal No More

 

I told myself

No more will I think of suicide

No more will I be so depressed

I need some positivism in my life

It is all psychological anyway

I just have to change my attitude towards life

 

I was going to become alive

Under the great Californian sun

I was going to grow

Be more mature

Finally become an adult

Take my responsibilities

Sort myself out

 

You donít change

You can move

You can forget your past

You can re-organize your life

You never change

 

At least I am not suicidal anymore

It is all psychological anyway

I do not let these thoughts come alive

I no longer drink myself to death

And let the devil in

Temptation, temptation, temptation

The little devil is coming back in

I canít stop him

Iíll have to become suicidal again

 

I have not found what I was looking for in L.A.

A few palm trees out of my window

A Californian driving license

A tour of all the studios in Burbank

Just wonít do the trick

 

I donít belong to this world

Even if I were to belong

I cannot belong in just a small capacity

Thatís not me, thatís not what I want

I donít want to be a name in the final generic

I want to be central to my revolution

I want to create the biggest revolution ever

I want to have such an impact

It will shake the planet

 

Oh, now I understand what my problem is

Of course thereís no solution

To my insatiable thirst for power

I want to be a force of nature

Who could ever be a force of nature?

I could not, it is impossible

 

Anyway

Iím afraid

Palm trees

Just wonít do

 

Summary

 

 

I wish I was a bum

 

Work tomorrow

I would do anything not to go

Iíve got to work on my other projects tonight

I would do anything not to

Iíve got some dreams to make come true

I would do anything to just forget about it all

 

I wish I was a bum

With no jobs

With no aspirations

Without a dream

 

So simple life could have been

Just be a bum

Donít worry about anything

No more stupid ideas

No more obligations

No more anything

Just live your day to day bumís life

What a wonderful concept!

 

Instead of being a corporate drone

Instead of being an industry whore

Instead of being a bitch and be control by bitches

Just be a bum!

 

Save yourself the trouble

No more work ever!

No more responsibilities ever!

No more goals to achieve, ever!

Just go back where you came from

And just die there on some social securities

Or just make your bed somewhere on a lost street

Or in a park in the woods

Eat from the garbage cans

Or find some eatable roots or something

Or just let yourself die in the gutter

Perfect for me

 

Thatís what Iíll do next

Let me work on it

Let me reorganize my schedule to make it come true

Let me start dreaming about it

It is my next big goal in life

 

Iíll become a bum

Your first rate bum

And Iíll be the happiest bum alive

Without the faculty of thinking

 

How I wish I was a bumÖ

 

Summary

 

 

Los Angeles already has its hook on me

 

Iím afraid to admit it

I donít want to realize it

Dear, dear, dear

Los Angeles has already won my heart

I would not be able to live without it

And yet, I am already in love with England!

What am I gonna do?

I cannot have a home in both places

Though I think this is what I will have to do

Six months here, six months there

No other solutions

I now have two lovers

Too much love that I can deal with

Extraordinary how one little trip downtown can do to you

When you feel you are right in the center of the universe

There is nothing beyond Burbank

Anyone of any importance is here

No ideas go anywhere if it does not first go through Burbank

It is so well concentrated in the same area

I wonder why terrorists never thought of launching an attack

It is where the real power is

 

Can I be so easily impressed?

Am I such a loser?

Weak

Impressionable

I have not learned anything, have I?

I wonít leave this place

Better work at bringing my other lover here

Letís work it out somehow

Iím not going back

Los Angeles has done something to me

And I donít like it

 

And I thought I could never fall in love again

 

Summary

 

 

I donít want to fall in love again!

 

I am guilty!

I have betrayed everything that I loved!

I secretly wanted it so badly

And now that it has happened

I canít stand it!

It is tearing me apart!

I donít want to fall in love again!

 

God please help me

Make sense of it all

What is it that I fell in love with?

Is it just an idea, a concept?

Is it more profound than that?

This history of places, of people, of deaths?

Somewhere in Maryland, in New Mexico, in the Nevada Desert?

Having Death Valley around the corner?

Losing myself in the dunes, the sun, the infiniteÖ

Is this what I fell in love with? Tell me

Is there a cure?

Was I allowed to see too much?

Was it too soon?

Was I ready to fall in love again?

I donít think so

Now it has happened

I have to deal with it

I have to

Somehow

 

I was already in love with the greatest cutest little thing

It was called England

It was my playing field

And believe me I played hard there

I am crying again, and again, and again

Everything there is to cry

The most beautiful thing ever

So sweet and so much in love with me

How could I ever trade you for anything else?

I could never

I would prefer to die

 

The floodgate is opened

The tornadoes are raging

The earthquakes are cominí

 

I am at the dawn of a new life

I can see it emerging in front of my eyes

It is huge

It is powerful

It is far reaching

It is all I have ever hoped for

The price to pay might just be too much

 

It is too late now

Iím already in love

Again

 

Summary

 

 

Permanent Summer with Palm Trees and Canyons

 

What is there not to love in the San Fernando Valley?

It is always sunny

From whatever direction you look at

Sure enough you will see

Palm Trees

Mountains

Clean sidewalks

Little white houses

Purity to infinity

Innocence of a world

That has nothing to do with Hollywood

My universe is of a bright white

Immaculate

Puts all your thoughts in order

Of a tranquility not found in London

Suburbs of Los Angeles

With canyons in every directions

Topanga Canyon is the closest

Huge rock face with weird flowers and cacti

After it is Malibu Beach

Miles of sand with blue water

The Californian coast a few miles away

The heat of the sun keeps my balcony floor warm at night

And when it rains, it is a nice little rain

My simple little life

Without any worry whatsoever

It could easily be

If I would let it be

 

I can tell the time by where the sun or the moon is in the sky

Right over my head, it is noon or midnight

The shadow of the trees can also tell me

Where I am

What I am thinking

Inspiration for a lifetime

The kind of surge I get only years later

Once I have lost it all

 

I could never come back

It would never be the same anyway

These magical moments only exist at that very second

After that it is gone forever

And you have to go for the adventure

To find new inspirations

If ever you can find such moments again

 

I am about to lose it all

I can feel it

Got to cherish those moments while they last

They wonít last much longer

It could never be the same

Itís great when you donít have to wait

Until you have lost it

To understand

That peaceful existence

Of a perfect moment in time

 

Summary

 

 

Iím a pussy

 

Bitch

I canít believe you called me a pussy

When your own definition of a man being a pussy

Is a man that acts like a woman

So you are a pussy then

And that is acceptable by your definition

Because you are a woman

And all women by your definition

Are pussies

Great!

 

I want to be a pussy too

And it is my right

It is not reserved for bitches like you

I wonít act the man thing for you

I wonít do what Iím supposed to do

I wonít be what society tells me to be

So if I want to be a pussy like you

I will

And you better get use to it

Bitch

 

I will be as pussy as I always wanted to be

As deep as I feel it necessary to be

It is not a woman thing

It is my thing

Iím pussy!

And I love it!

You bitch!

 

So maybe you will now have to take the strong role

Be manly for a change

Call me after 48 hours following our first date, why not?

You are strong

You are the woman

Youíre in control now

Over the pussies that we have become

I donít care if I have to carry that baby

Change the nappies

Stay home and enjoy life while you go to work

And suffer those bastards

I donít mind at all

Bitch

 

Be strong for a change

Youíve always worn the trousers anyway

You have always been dictating around here, havenít you?

Well, you might as well be called the man of the house then

So I can be a pussy all I like

Bitch

 

You will never have that excuse again

You will never be a pussy in my eyes ever again

You are stronger than I am

So start acting like it

Start acting like a man!

Like the man you are!

Donít be a pussy anymore

And let me be a pussy for a while

And youíll see

It will change the world

 

Iím a pussy!

And Iím proud of it!

And it will change the world!

 

Summary

 

 

My Great Shitting and Peeing Period

 

I donít know about you

But when I go to the toilets

I first have a shitting period

Then I have a peeing period

And then it is all over and I feel good again

 

I feel much better now

That I have shat that here

 

I bet these few lines have disturbed you a bit

I guess you probably donít feel great naked then

Fully feeling sexual and ready to fuck all night long

Feeling great in your own skin

That needs feeding and drinking

Taking care of

Before the wrinkles of old age

Make you ugly and disgusting

 

You easily forget these wonderful

Shitting and peeing periods

And then it is over

And you can feel great again

You easily forget you even shit and pee sometimes

 

You are so perfect, arenít ya?

Pure and innocent!

Must be disturbing when we think of you as on the toilets

Having a great shit

It comes out of you, you know

It is you

It is one of the processes that make you a human being

And that is all we are

Shitting and peeing people on the toilets

Feeling bad all the time

Until we satisfy these most basic processes

That define who we are as a species

 

Well, I am not hypocrite

I go to the bog

I shit and I pee and I feel better afterwards

I am a naked person

I feel great in my skin

I feel sexual all night long

I do not deny who I am

I have no taboo like you

And hence

I have no deep psychological problem either

Stopping every great project in its track

I am getting somewhere

You are not

Because you cannot accept the fact

That you shit and pee and are sexual beings

Like every other person on the planet

And that is what defines

You

 

Summary

 

 

Iím a Pedophile

 

Scandalizing you?

ImpossibleÖ

 

God

I donít know what to invent anymore

To scandalize you

You are made of steel

Nothing has reached you so far

How many of these texts have I written in the last ten years?

Iíve lost count

And yet, you are still here reading this

Or are you?

 

Maybe why you are not scandalized yet

Is that you never read me before now

That would explain everything

And Iím still there trying

To be more extreme

Since the first time it obviously did not work

Without understanding

That it will one day

Beyond any hope

Just need a big publicity machine

 

I will be branded

As the most scandalizing author ever

Without even having mentioned once the word

Pedophile

 

Youíve got to give me credit for that

Sometimes I think it might be the only thing

That could really scandalize you

I wonít say it

Donít worry

No need to go to prison just yet

 

Pedophile, pedophile, pedophileÖ

 

Iím just flirting with you

I am having you going there

For a while

Iím laughing at you

Iím not laughing with you

Thatís for sure

 

I thought it was easy to scandalize you

I now understand that it is impossible

My years of writing

Have been in vain

Somehow describing to you

Me having sex with a little boy

Would not scandalize you either

It will just bring me to prison

If I can admit that I desire that

 

After saying this

Surely I am it

I am a pedophile

Yet you would have a hard time proving it

Do you need proof?

Perhaps not

Oh well

Letís go to prison then

To protect your children

Against monsters like me

 

Fuck you!

I never had any desire for your children

They can all die peacefully in their bed tonight

I donít give a toss

Yeah, I guess I could be blamed

For wishing their early death

And somehow

That must feel nicer to your ears

Than if I wanted to have sex with them

 

So be it

I would settle for the eradication

Of all children

Thatís a nice compromise

No more winging ever!

Oh my god!

What a paradise!

 

Perhaps we should also include all old people

I would not mind eradicating them as well

They serve no purpose

They smell bad and are annoying with their long gone memories

And their pension is just a drain on my taxes

They think they know everything

They donít even know how the computer works

Let alone DVD recorders

They know shit

And we are supposed to trust them?

No way!

Kill them all!

 

Are you scandalized now?

No?

Damn!

It is getting harder and harderÖ

 

Summary

 

 

I can kiss my career in politics goodbye

 

I was so looking forward to it

I wanted to be Governor of California

And from there jump higher

And be second in command

Until they change the law

And take full power

 

I was so looking forward to it!

I had it all planned in my head

Take over America

And then the world!

 

My motivations after all

Are the same as the actual President

I want to be rich

I want to be powerful

I want to kill everyone else

And steal their natural resources and money

You cannot deny that this is what we have been doing for centuries now

So as I am just a normal person

There is nothing that should prevent me from becoming President

 

Oops!

I was not supposed to admit to it?

I was just supposed to do it

Having all these journalists denouncing it

But yet never confirm it?

And then it would be acceptable?

 

Silly me

I guess I can kiss my career in politics goodbye

 

Summary

 

 

Why have I not thought of that first?

 

So many great ideas out there

Genius lurking in every corner

More imagination than the ocean has water

It is all there for me to grab

To hear, to watch, to eat

Oh oh

Burp!

IndigestionÖ heart burnsÖ

Need a Zantac again

 

Why have I not thought of that?

Iím supposed to be the genius here

To have written every single book

On every single subject

And yet!

That escaped me!

I did not think of it first

It is a killer

 

So many great ideas out there

So much imagination

Cool, perfect, genius

Why, oh why, oh why?

Have I not thought of it first?

Is it that killing job I have?

No time to think anymore?

No more inspiration?

Quick quickÖ

I need to come up with something

Some genius thought

I need to think of that one first

I need to think of the next great idea

There are still plenty out there

Not everything has already been thought of

I can still claim being a genius

I hope I am not too late

I hope I will find the investors to get it out there

The marketing and PR machine to prove

That I thought of it first

And then collect my pay check

 

But what about everything else out there?

That I have not thought of?

I guess you were mistaken

Thatís no great idea

Thatís not imagination

Thatís no genius

Itís nothing

 

Anyway

I thought of it first

Otherwise, it just does not exist

It puts me to sleep

Yawn!

 

Oh god, oh god, oh godÖ

It is not true

Where was I when they thought of that?

Dead or dying, surely

So many great ideas out there

Why have I not thought of it?

 

A sea of great ideas remain to be uncovered

Iíll get right on it

You can be sure

That from now on

Iíll be the one to think of that first

 

Summary

 

 

Whatever it is you couldnít stand about me

 

Is it the packaging?

I know, pretty cheap, got no money

But you are rich I hear?

The sell by date?

Iíve long passed my sell by date

But never mind

You are rotten to the core

My frontal bar code?

Well, Iím sure it would not work with your mind reader

Is it my third eye?

My big mouth?

My bad teeth?

Do I have bad breath?

Oh, must be my brain

I was born deformed, I know

Compared to your perfection, that is

Is it my personality?

When I did not laugh at your boring jokes?

They put me to sleep, dear

Sorry

Is it because Iím always drunk?

Well, feel yourself lucky

To do what you ask of me

I would need to be drugged to full capacity at all time

What is it?

Tell me! Tell me!

My lack of enthusiasm when you wanted to enslave me?

Cosí I have an excuse for that one

I was sick that day

You make me sick, dear

Just for being you

 

Maybe this is what you could not stand about me

That I could not stand you in the first place

 

Summary

 

 

My Imaginary Girlfriend

 

She is legendary

She is powerful

Intelligent

My imaginary girlfriend

 

She wants sex all the time

She begs for more

She wants to be fucked up the arse

My imaginary girlfriend

 

Sheís filthy rich

More successful than Madonna

And pure of heart

My imaginary girlfriend

 

I can depend on her

I love her and she truly loves me

She even knows how to shut up

My imaginary girlfriend

 

She does not smoke

She does not drink

Sheís certainly not a drug addict

My imaginary girlfriend

 

Sheís not a bitch

Sheís not killing me

She does not need to be shot in the head

My imaginary girlfriend

 

Just as well

Being so unremarkable

That my imaginary girlfriend

Is just imaginary

 

Summary

 

 

My Real Boyfriend

 

He remains unknown

He is weak

Dyslexic

My real boyfriend

 

He never wants sex

I have to beg for more

He does not want to be fucked up the arse

My real boyfriend

 

Heís disgustingly poor

As successful as an escargot

As dirty at heart as a worm

My real boyfriend

 

I cannot depend on him

I love him and he truly loves me

But he does not know how to shut up

My real boyfriend

 

He does smoke

He does drink

He is a drug addict

My real boyfriend

 

Heís a bitch

Heís killing me

He does need to be shot in the head

My real boyfriend

 

Just my luck

Being so remarkable

My real boyfriend

Is not imaginary

 

Summary

 

 

You can rape me all you want

 

You can rape me

Violate me all you want

Shoot me in the head afterwards

Iím so beyond caring

 

Make me your slave

Ask me to suck your dick

Suck your brain

Iím so beyond caring

 

Tell me all your bullshit, I can take it

Only need to drink myself to death afterwards

To forget thatÖ

Iím so beyond caring

 

Walk all over me!

Destroy me!

Kill me!

Iím so beyond caring!

 

What is worse that you could ask from me?

You will think of something

Iím sure

Iím so beyond caring

 

One day Iíll put a stop to this

One day Iíll be the one dictating

One day I will kill you where you stand

One dayÖ

 

I wonít be beyond caring

 

Summary

 

 

My new big venture will destroy everything

 

Another big crazy idea

Just have to pursue it

Until it drains all my energy

And destroy just about

Everything else that is still standing in my life

 

My new big venture!

It will revolutionize everything

Once again

Never mind that none of my other big ventures

Never went anywhere

This time I will hit it big

It will be huge

It will change everything

By destroying

Just about

Everything else

Still standing

In my lifeÖ

 

I wonít stop now!

I have another big venture idea

That will change everyoneís life

For the worst

It is in the nature

Of every new big venture

 

Just have to be crazy enough

To sacrifice everything

Once again

For just any

New great big venture

 

Maybe

Just Maybe

One day

It will revolutionize everything

 

Summary

 

 

How and why has this reached me?

 

Is it possible that I am not wasting my time?

Is it just possible that I am reaching out

To at least one of you?

 

Years and years

Of working so hard

To accomplish that great destiny

That I thought I was building for myself

Could it be all wasted?

Really?

 

How and why has this reached me then?

I bought it

I played it

It made my life more bearable for a moment

Might even had a bigger impact

My escape from reality

My dream world

 

Someone thought of it

Got it started

Managed to get a team around it

They all made a difference

To my life

It is now a little bit more bearable

 

It has reached me!

It had an impact!

It was an idea someone had

Not even a good one

By my standards

And yet

It helped me escaped my life

It means something

It means everything to me

 

I cannot think

For one moment

That I am wasting my time

Wasting my life

I am building something

That could potentially reach

A few of you out there

 

And then you can ask

How and why has this reached you?

Youíve got to let me know

If it has helped you

Escape your life

Your mental disorder

Your hell of an existence

You have to suffer every day

 

Then Iíll know

That it is no coincidence

Everything exists for a purpose

 

Every life there is

Who contributes

To alleviate my pain

Deserves to exist

You worked on this

Which had a big impact on my life

It has reached me

It meant something for a while

It was the perfect moment in time

For me to receive it

Iím grateful

 

And I know now

That Iím not wasting my time

Creativity serves a purpose

No matter how small a part

You play in it

For it to come to life

 

This has not reached me by accident

This has not reached you by accident

 

Summary

 

 

Iím closer than ever

 

Iím told

Iím closer than ever

Of achieving all that I have been working for

In the last two decades

 

Somehow I canít believe it

Somehow I feel it is just not true

Iíve been disappointed before

Iíve been deceived before

This time around

Is no different

 

How could it be?

Just because I am now living in Los Angeles?

What are you talking about?

It makes no difference

Not to me anyway

Not to anyone else anyway

 

Iím not closer than ever

To achieving my dreams

If anything

I am now completely disillusioned

It wonít happen

 

Perhaps I lack the determination

Maybe I lack the strength

I donít know

Iím ready to let it all die

Quietly

As if it had never existed

My achievements

My future ones as well

All dead

 

Iím just too tired

To even think about it

I have already accepted my failure

Iím ready to go back

To wherever it is that I come from

If one can tell me

I just forgot

Through all my endeavors

Where it is that I come from

 

It must not have been anywhere

Of any real significance

Or else, I would remember

Where it is that I come from

I guess that

When you reach Los Angeles

Nothing that came before

Still exists

 

I am a nobody

From nowhere

Never did anything worthwhile

And I will die as such

As quickly as possible

Would be fine by me

 

Iím closer than ever

Somehow just

Does not ring true

Sorry

 

Summary

 

 

Can I be even more metaphysical than that?

 

Do you have any clue

About what it is that

Iím talking about here?

No?

Thatís what I thought

Donít worry

I have no intention

To let you know

About what it is that

I am talking about here

 

The more in the dark you remain

The better it is for me

If I were to tell you everything

There would be no more mystery

You would quickly say

That my life is just as identical

As yours

When really

How could it be?

 

You are such a loser

Iím not a loser

Youíre such a wimp

Iím not a wimp

Youíre so hypocrite

Iím no hypocrite

You donít deserve to live

I donít either

But letís not go there

 

Can I be even more metaphysical than that?

Oh yes I can

As metaphysical

As it is necessary

For you

To have no clue

About what it is that I am talking about here

 

What purpose would it serve anyway?

For you to be able to criticize

Destroy me in a few sentences

I donít need that

Better be cryptic

Pretend that I am talking to God himself

About eternal stuff

The stuff that causes wars

You know what I mean

Or perhaps you donít

Sorry

For being too metaphysical

For your poor mind

Trying to keep up

With what Iím not trying to say here

 

There are green fields somewhere around here

I have noticed them before

One morning that I was desperate

For anything

To connect me

To ancient dreams I had years ago

 

A beach!

A long one

No deepness

Three of my cats

I dreamt about last night

Made my cry this morning

While waiting at the light

Being so disconnected with reality

My dreams

Are all that I have left

To remember my life

My past life

The one Iím crying for every day

I miss it more than I can express here

That it has to come to me in weird dreams

Green fields have been replaced

By water and castles

And my cats playing around

While I donít pay attention

When I could take them in my arms instead

Crying

And telling them how much I love them

How much I miss them

And I know they miss me

Thatís why they come to me in dreams

And yet

Even there

I take them for granted

I do not realize that it is my chance

To take them in my arms

Kiss them and tell them

How much I love them

How much I miss them

And the poor souls

Are trying to make me understand

To get my attention

Itís like I am dead

Incapable to love them as I should

Iím so selfish

I can only think of myself

Even in dreams

 

They are so innocent

And yet they love me

They are capable of telepathy

And all they can communicate

Is their normal cat behavior

Which is not enough to attract my attention

In my dreams

I just felt it was normal to have them there

Running all around me

But now that I am awake

I feel I missed a great opportunity

To squeeze them in my arms

To express my infinite love for them

Which transcends any distance

Across the oceans of the world

How weird that I can love cats

More than I ever loved any human beings

This is true love

The kind I never thought existed

Because it is so pure

It is so unconditional

They must be the only things on this planet

Who would love me no matter what

Because they will never rationalize anything

That kind of love

Can only be reciprocated

And it is simply killing meÖ

 

All right, I feel better now

Iíve plugged myself into

Type O Negative

Just the fix I needed

To get back to normal

Itís not working

No Kleenex is resistant enough

In Los Angeles right now

To contain my crisis

 

Nothing I ever wrote before

Makes me cry like I am now

When I read these lines again

Is it only powerful to me?

 

A castle over water

Tubes to get there

A view to kill for

Over the horizon

Over the ocean

And cats running on water

And tears to fill an ocean

Which I cannot explain

 

Is that metaphysical enough for you?

Probably not

Good, because I was not trying to be metaphysical

 

Summary

 

 

My Island

 

I am disconnected

I donít live here anymore

I live somewhere else

A perfect world

An island

A perfect one

How can I describe it?

A palace

Heights

Flying machines

A Sun

A Moon

Symbols

Problems

Which are not mine

Only beauty for me to see

To enjoy

To live through

Seeing trees

Landscapes

Other islands

The rain through the forest

An imagined history

Pure creation

Beyond any dreams

I feel it so deeply

I live there all the time

I cannot leave this place

I love this place

Such perfection

That I could never reach

In the real world

My virtual world

It has become so important

So central to my life

To my survival

How can it be?

It is virtual

It is just a dream

And yet it is so powerful

I donít live here anymore

I guess I never did

I was always more there

Than I have ever been here

I am so confused

Did I ever exist?

Has this reality ever existed?

Iím not sure

I think I imagined it all

The real world is that island

Which I always come back to

I donít know where I would be right now

If I never went there

I would not be where I am now

Iím sure of it

Iím so lost

Iím not sure if I really exist

I feel I can almost understand

That this is not real

My life

It cannot be

I am now on my island

In real life

It makes no sense to me

I am even rejecting it

It seems

It is only good in my dreams

Only acceptable as long as it is unreachable

It makes no sense

Tonight Iím not here

Iím out there

Iím on my island

I feel so good

I feel warm

I feel beauty passing through myself

I am that universe

It is all me

I am one with my world

With the world

And for once

It makes sense to me

I donít exist here

I only exist there

Thatís where I have always been

More there than here

It has become my reality

The only place I can really exist

Where I can feel good about being alive

At least I have that

Not sure if anyone else has that chance

I donít care

I realized tonight

That I have always been living

In another world

And I am pleased that I finally accepted it

Reality is something of the past

Something that never really existed

For me

There is only one place to evolve in

To contemplate

To enjoy life

My island

 

Summary

 

 

Los Angeles does not really exist

 

For the first time in my life

I am convinced that my life is not real

I can feel it

It is a joke

And Iím wondering

Why it made me suffer so much

When really it was never there in the first place

You would think that after suffering so much

I decided to create myself a dream world

Freud would destroy my argument in a second

But I think he missed the point

I have reached another understanding

One that he could never reach

I understand that the world is not real

It is an invention

A creation of some sort

A testing ground perhaps

But no more than that

It is no more real than my dreams

My dreams are more real now

I stand somewhere over all of this

Los Angeles made me understand

No matter all the problems it sent my way

I just cannot believe it

I donít buy it

It is all fake

Life is much simpler

Life is simple

And it is not what it seems

It is something else

I can see it so clearly now

Every tree, every bush

Have been placed there

For some reason

But it is a desert

It should be a desert

It should be emptiness

It is emptiness

It does not belong there

Nothing belongs anywhere

It was placed there for us

To act like if it was a real world

It is obvious to me

That it never was

And only here can I see it so clearly

It is all an illusion!

An elaborate scam!

The world does not exist!

Why do you still suffer?

There is no reason to

It was created for you to pretend

To be alive and kicking

When really

You cannot be

Nothing belongs here

You do not belong here

I donít belong here

It is all someone elseís creation

And I refuse to be part of it

It is not mine

I have nothing to do with that obvious fake creation

This virtual world

I want to live in the real world

The world I have not been told about

Which oversees all of this so-called reality

I am now aware

I can feel it

I will reach the real world

I will

 

Summary

 

 

One billion deaths is not enough for me

 

One million deaths is not enough to get me rich

A billion would make it worthwhile

If I get a dollar for each life, that is

The true value of life on this planet

One big American dollar

It will cost the rest of the people billions of dollars in warlike stuff

That is of no consequence to me

As long as I get my billion dollars

In return for a billion deaths

That I directly or indirectly cause

In God we trust

And donít you forget it

Next time I drop a bomb on your head

 

Summary

 

 

Private Equity, our New Religion

 

Talk about something still worth believing in

When just about everything else failed so miserably

There is still a God on this planet

The only one worth believing in

It is called Private Equity

My new best friend

My new religion

Capable of pumping billions of dollars

In any worthless idea

And still bring me back billions of dollars in return

Ohhhh, I just had an orgasm

Ahhhhh, and another one

It feels soooo good

How was I ever able to believe in any other God before

Is the greatest of mystery

There is only one God

We all knew that

And it has finally emerged

From a world we thought was doomed

After the collapse of the Stock Exchange market

Private Equity

Dear me

Smells so good

Tastes so good

Must be too good to be true

And yet

Nothing else on the planet

Causes so many multiple orgasms at once

No drug even comes close to Private Equity

Mmmmh, feels wonderful

I feel loooove

Real loooove

Money, money, money

Thatís all I want

Thatís all I get

Private Equity

My new best friend

Better than Las Vegas

Better than sex

My only love

Private Equity

 

Am I talking some sort of alien language here?

If you think so

Then you must ultimately be

Why I love Private Equity so much

You are the end user that will make me billions of dollars

No need for you to understand anything about it

Just continue to do what it is that you do best

Consume my friend

So Private Equity will still mean something to me

Something that will save America

From collapsing on itself

 

Funny how we always find a way out

To justify pure capitalism

To save pure capitalism

 

Think big!

And thank God!

For Private Equity

Our only savior

Our only God

 

Summary

 

 

We may still save humanity in America

 

Donít lie

You have always known it

All we need is not love

All we need is money

Money is everything

It feeds your wonderful children

It saves your marriage

Which was doomed from the start anyway

It is the only thing by which you can valorize yourself

How much are you worth?

Do you deserve to be alive?

Has your life any kind of meaning?

Only through money can we assess your worthiness

To be alive

Money is the only thing that can bring you to freedom

Really help you escape your miserable existence

What we call reality

Money is the dream come true

The only dream you ever had

The only answer to all your hopes

Donít deny it

Money is everything to you

You can never have too much

You can never feel guilty for rolling all over it

Money is the only way to happiness

Trying to convince anyone of the opposite

Can only come from people

Who have accepted their true lack of potential in getting it

Their unworthiness to being part of this society

That we have painfully built for ourselves

For centuries now

Money is everything

Money is all there is

Money is your only salvation

It changes everything

It saves everything

It is the basis of all your values

Protecting your family

That little nuclear family

So ready to explode

As soon as money runs out

Say it after me

Money is everything!

Money is all I need!

Money is my only escape!

Get it

At any cost, any sacrifice

Life demands it

Your family demands it

Your existence, your values, your worthiness

Depend on it

Do it!

Get it!

More money!

Is all you need!

Focus, concentrate, find a way

Find your true way

To the only meaningful thing there is

Money

For everyone, forever

To feel good about yourself

To create happiness all around

This dream existence you have been told

Was your only way out

The only reason why you ever existed

It all comes down to one thing

Saving the world

Making this world a happier place

Get humanity out of its eternal misery

Only one solution

Only one goal

Your only real true independence

Useless to lie

Even to yourself

Deep down you know

No need to be ashamed of it

Our whole society has been built on that one principle

No matter what you have to do to get it

Or how you will go about it

Just keep in mind one single idea

And you will be saved

Thereís nothing else in this world

Against your downfall

Learn to love it

Or else youíll be a slave

Repeat after me

Money is everything!

Good boy, Good girl

As long as you still believe in money

We may still save humanity

In America

 

Summary

 

 

The extinction of humanity

 

What you qualify as my twisted mind

Is only a reflection of what you taught me

It is only the true and only consequence

Of what you truly tried to brainwash me about

It was leading there

I donít understand why you feel this is not true

What did you expect?

Was it not what you wanted me to do?

To truly really do?

Is competition not the extermination of any threat to my being?

Is succeeding not preventing others from taking my place?

Is becoming rich and powerful

Not mean everyone else being a slave to my own desires?

If I am to control everything

Surely it means that no one else should have any freedom

If I am to lead the life I am expecting to lead

Then no one else can live in this world

What you qualify now as my twisted mind

Is your own twisted mind you did not realize you had

You were just too blind to see it

It is too late now

I will make all your dreams come true

And I will not get the blame

You will get just what you deserve

I assure you

What you taught me

It was leading there

To the extinction of humanity

 

Summary

 

 

Hail to the bugs, the true leaders of this world

 

By bugs

You probably thought I was referring to our politicians

But I was in fact talking about the true leaders of this world

Something much more powerful than any of us

Real bugs

We are at war

And we are losing it

Itís time we acknowledge our defeat

And consider them as our true leaders

Bugs have taken over the world

They inhabit us

We are still unable to kill them

They spread from one host to the other

We have become their home

It kills us

And then they move on to someone else

Until none of us will remain

To even support their existence

They donít seem to mind

Not hard to understand

We have been following the same pattern

Multiplying until the Earth can no longer sustain any of us

But that was not the real worry

We will all be dead by the time the earth becomes unlivable

The bugs are winning the war

And we have not even declared that we were at war

Because we feel they are not really threatening

Until they actually reach either us directly

Or someone we personally love

Wonít be too long now

Soon we will all be infected

Theyíre winning the war

They mutate much faster than we could hope to mutate ourselves

And they donít even need to practice DNA re-sequencing

They move at a much higher time rate than us

Theyíve gone through millions of generations

Of permutations

Of mutations

While we were still debating what should be legal or illegal

Hail to the bugs

The next and only humanity

Perhaps they will find a way not to kill each other

And finally get out of the solar system

Something it seems we were never going to achieve anyway

What a pity

There is no greatness to speak of here

About humanity

After all

Perhaps we were not really worth it

It took so long anyway to understand anything

We only produced two geniuses

Newton and Einstein

And it took us hundreds of years

To finally understand

That they were completely wrong

Ultimately we produced no geniuses at all

It was all an illusion

The history of humanity is a sad one indeed

Plagued with stupidity

While we were praising our intelligence and greatness

Perhaps the bugs

In their own time frame

Will go further than we could ever achieve

The bugs, our only true legacy

May they be the ones finally getting out of the solar system

To continue humanityís legacy to the stars

The only species with any real future

The only species capable of surviving any Life Extinction Event

Hail to the bugs!

The true leaders of this world!

 

Summary

 

 

Awareness in San Francisco

 

Have I gone everywhere in this world

Enjoy my own little awareness once in a while

Alone yet in another hotel room

Wondering about my own individuality

In a sea of billions

How insignificant I can be

Wondering if I can make any difference

And if it is at all important

If I do or not

Maybe there was never any meaning to it

Just a fact that needs to be accepted

We are six billions

I am one

I am aware that I exist

I have my own individuality

Should enjoy it

Go for a walk

Look at the sea in the Bay

Look at the constructions

The bridge

Another symbol of our so-called greatness

The Valley of Silicon

Of artificial intelligence

Wonder if it has any awareness

Individuality in a world of multiplication

Of the same, over and over again

That one voice

At this point

Cannot make any difference

Indulging

Fighting

Surviving

Still have that chance to see more

Explore more than the next one

Reach San Francisco

See that bridge for myself

And wonder

In my awareness

What it all means

If anything

Weíve built a valley of silicon

Like we grew a valley of wine trees

Can artificial intelligence get drunk?

Can it wonder about its existence?

Can it have awareness?

And would my life be better

Without that awareness?

Mindless existence

Iím in San Francisco

And thatís all there is to it

Just go to the sea

Just look at it

Do not think

It is only painful

There is no answer here

To all these questions

Why torture ourselves

Why invent philosophy?

Can I just live for a change?

Forget my individuality?

My awareness?

This intelligence which serves no real purpose

To my own happiness?

Can I not just enjoy being alive?

Without having to put back everything

In its own context?

Can I not just for once

Be in San Francisco

And not be aware of it?

Of anything?

As a meaningless fact

Iím here now

Letís just enjoy it?

Without throwing me into thinking mode

Of self doubt

That this world could actually be real

Meaningful

With some sort of great purpose

That we just canít figure out?

Iím sorry

I cannot accept that it is about love and reproduction

Multiplication of more useless existence

Who will one day end up in Silicon Valley

And wonder

Why it is that they are alive

When they see that bridge

In wonder

To what symbol we were able to construct

To give a reason, a meaning

To something that has none

Awareness is perhaps not that magical

A bit of programming could simulate that

Individuality is perhaps just an illusion

We are all thinking the same

We are all the same

We are one

This feeling of individuality

This feeling of awareness

Itís programmed on that carbon chip

Which is my brain

I guess God never knew about miniaturization

Might have been the lack of competition

The lack of a desire to make tons of money

My brain is about to explode

And I am limited in my understanding

To the program

Cannot go beyond

Cannot understand beyond

Iím in San Francisco

No need to think anymore

Just exist

If I can

Reach that bridge

Be in awe in front of what we were able to build

In terms of symbols

And especially

Stop processing

Avoid the only conclusion which seems right

To terminate the processing process forever

Avoid the urge to jump off that bridge

To the great darkness

I tell you

Really worth being aware

In San Francisco

 

Summary

 

 

My Rough Edges

 

You had one good look at me

You hated me

Then you had another good look in time

Iím likable

Once you move beyond my rough edges

My God!

You have only scratched the surface

You have no idea, do you?

Of where I am

If only you could read this

If only I could let you read this

You might have a better understanding

Of how I really feel

Not about you

But about the world we live in

I am at the point where I am wondering

If existing is worth it

And youíre talking about

Am I likable or not?

Am I capable of emotions and sensitivity or not

Of understanding

No I am not

I have other worries

Other stuff to deal with

I canít even stop and worry

About the details of what you are worried about

I am beyond all that

My rough edges

Whether I do it on purpose or not

Am I likable or not

I could not care less

When I only feel like taking a gun

And shoot you in the head

I do not want to be with you

I do not want to talk to you

I certainly do not want to spend time

Worrying about what you said

What I said

Feeling guilt

For my rough edges

Looking for a liberation

Of the consequences of my smallest action

My smallest word

Which seems to have quite an impact on you

I thought we were the same

You are obviously dying in superficiality

Believing in your own intelligence

When you cannot even think beyond your new found husband

Destiny

And if you are worth it or not

If you should be on a diet or not

No youíre not worth it

You are a pain

You are capable

But youíre more trouble that it is worth

Go back to where it is that you come from

And die there

I never ask you in my life

I could very well exist without you

Youíre not worth the pain

Shut up!

Leave me alone!

Get out of my life!

Or Iíll blow up your brain!

 

Howís that for my rough edges?

 

Summary

 

 

Do I have to be completely off my mind?

 

A few days in San Francisco alone

Is perhaps what I needed to calm down

After these last few days of hell

Those last few months of hell

In Los Angeles

Iím going back home tomorrow

My home in Los Angeles that is

Back to hell, that is

The thing is

Was not London also my hell

A few months ago?

Yes I miss Richmond Park

Osterley Park

Westminster and Victoria

My little run through all these towns

From Heathrow to Piccadilly Circus

All the pubs in England

Where you can actually smoke a cigarette

My baby, my family

Can I go back and understand it is a paradise?

Can I pull that off?

Can I be peaceful again

Even if I have actually never been peaceful, ever?

Who are these people who are peaceful?

Whatís their secret?

Theyíre on the doll? Is that it?

They live in some green field far from everyone and everything?

Without a TV or media or computer?

With animals, birds tweeting

Angels and Jesus Christ in the middle?

And a bunch of fluffy clouds perhaps?

Do I have to be completely off my mind

To be peaceful in this world?

Is it just a state of mind?

How can I learn to be peaceful

Forget my rage against everything and everyone

I wish to be peaceful

I need help

Is there anyone on the planet who could teach me?

Without involving God, religion, spirituality and new age stuff?

Without me having to buy a statue of Buddha?

Or having a psychologist tell me I am neurotic?

Could I just walk outside and find peace once and for all?

And be done with that?

Ready to move on with my happy life?

Let me concentrate here

Let me see if I can be peaceful again

Oh wait, I am!

Oh, itís gone

Lasted three seconds

Dear, dear, dear

Oh well, three seconds

Iím getting thereÖ

 

Summary

 

 

My attempt to find happiness

 

What am I complaining about?

Donít I remember that kid?

Living desperately alone when he was 18?

In a black hole in the North Pole?

I had dreams to see the world

To live everywhere

It started with Ottawa

Then Paris

Then London

Then Toronto

Then New York

Then Brussels

Then Los Angeles

Iíve seen the world

I lived everywhere of any consequence

Iíve achieved those dreams

Why was it not enough?

What more could I want?

I did not find happiness

I did not even find peace

I found no answer to all my questions

I guess I was not going to find them in Los Angeles

Under a palm tree

Or under a rock in the desert

I should have jumped into hard drugs with my two hands

Perhaps I would then have found some answers

Some happiness

I only found alcohol

I think it did not help much

I might as well have remained in the North Pole

Perhaps I would have found happiness there after all

Under a rock under the snow

After digging for a few miles

Nothing exists from before I reached London

And now that I am no longer in London

It seems that my life has ended

I am lost somewhere outside the fabric of space

Need to find a way back to my life

Need to find a wormhole leading back to London

Surely there is one between Los Angeles and London?

Or else

Bring me a Big Bang

If everything explodes

I might be able to rebuild or create something bearable

With all the pieces of my reality

Lost everywhere in the world

The universe is obviously too small for me

Happiness must lie outside of it

Great

Now I have dreams of getting out of the universe

Iíll find a way

To tell you if I have found happiness

Once I get there

Cos believe you me

I will get there!

And I better find happiness

 

Summary

 

 

Child Suicide

 

If I had brought into this world

A child as depressed as I am

I would be depressed now

Why would I want to bring into this world

A child?

What is there for him or for her to be happy about?

Thirty years of studying a very specific and boring subject?

Being bullied by other students and teachers alike?

A high paying job in the corporate world?

Being bullied by colleagues and bosses alike?

If that child did not commit suicide after that

Iíd be lucky

What hope could I give him or her?

In a better world where happiness exists?

When I know damn well that it is not possible?

That everyone they will ever meet

Will just cause them problem after problem

And sap any kind of energy they might have?

Backstabbing is all there is down here

What has this world got to offer to anyone?

Let alone a new child born with hopes and dreams?

Nothing, you can only drive them all to suicide

It is a very sad story

Just as well

That I am the end of the family line

 

Summary

 

 

Jesus Christ was a Homosexual

 

What?

Jesus Christ was married?

What?

Jesus Christ had a child?

You must be mistaken

It is clear to me

That Jesus Christ was gay

Just like God his father

Only gay entities can create anything worthwhile

 

Summary

 

 

I must be drunk to provoke you like that

 

I learned tonight that I was not living

I was pretending to be living

Iím so stupid

I thought writing it

And living it

Was the same

Well, itís ought to be

Because Iím not going to start living

Any time soon

Iím already dead, you see

Iíve been for years

Thatís why when that fat bitch

Gets sacked tomorrow

Iíll be smiling

Loving every minute of it

For one long second there

I will feel alive

I hope she has a gun

And starts shooting my bosses

That would be even lovelier

Iíll be alive for a whole minute then!

Oh, but it could be even better

She could decide after that to commit suicide

Thereís that large window in her office

She can always tell the weather

I find out at the end of the day that it is raining like hell

And that I will have to cycle home in that hell

She may decide to throw herself out the window

Being as fat as she is

Surely we will hear the clunk on the pavement?

And then a metro bus can run over her in a big splash

With the office half dead three floors up

After that, back to work

As if nothing happened

Got a project to finish!

 

Summary

 

 

I came to Los Angeles to become a positive force

 

I was supposed to leave my misery in London

I was supposed to become a positive force of nature

In Los Angeles, the promised land

I was going to rewrite the Georgics

The way it should really have been written

There is more to positivism than birds and flowers

Iím afraid

But donít worry

Virgil can sleep well tonight

Wherever he is buried in this world

Cos in this world

I can only rewrite

The Descent to Hell

The way I should have written it 15 years ago

With added bonuses here and there

Addons and special effects

A computerized interactive version

Just for you!

As a consequence of your bad behavior

Because you have been bad, yes you have

Donít deny it

Bad enough that I have been suicidal all my life

And can only write what comes out of the purgatory

 

I will never be a positive force of nature

I will never uplift anyone

Convince them that life is a wonderful thing

And worth living

On the contrary

Iíll show you how ugly this world really is

How unhappiness is all there is

What a mess youíve made of this place

 

I tried

It is just not possible

I tried to fall in love with an orange tree

I failed

I was way too worried about all your crap

To fall in love with a palm tree

I tried to rewrite The Contemplations

The way it should have been written

Years ago

No worry

Victor Hugo can sleep well tonight

Wherever it is that he has been buried

It is just not possible

In that kind of world

 

In my wake

I have no choice

Iíll bring you all to my tomb with me

Wherever that tomb will be

 

Summary

 

 

I Feel Elated!

 

Finally!

Finally I drank enough

Finally I drank enough wine

To feel elated!

What would it be on heroin?

I wonder

Gosh I need it

I need it to escape

I need it to escape this dirty reality

I think this is the first sentence I ever said:

I need to escape this reality!

That is certainly the first sentence I wrote

When I was 10 years old

Isnít that amazing?

I had not discover LSD then

Neither today Iím afraid

What a shame

Because tonight Iím ready

I feel elated!

No more misery

No more hell on earth

No more bastards to worry about

No more you breathing down my neck

Every single second of my mere existence

I went to buy wine

They had to scan my Californian driving license

I proudly shouted:

I donít need the President to know

That Iím buying alcohol tonight!

What sort of Big Brother State is this?

Next time Iíll give you my UK driving licence

Or my Canadian one if you wish

Surely you canít scan that yet?

I was spotted by nearly 1000 cameras

I was followed everywhere I went

I was observed when I was picking up my nose

They must have heard me when I farted

Maybe they can even tell if I left a trail in my underwear?

Nothing would surprise me these days

I just love to be disgusting

If I can make a point

I feel elated tonight!

Filled with an inexhaustible source of energy

Power!

Thatís what fills my veins tonight

It is the blood I crave

Cos Iím not going to sleep tonight

Iíll be a zombie for the rest of my life

Thatís how I decided I can continue

To live this life

By not being aware of it

Better drink myself to death every night

Smoke myself to death

Until everything burst inside

It is the only compromise I can reach

Between life and I

I feel elated!

But as you can see

It never lasts

Need my next fix

 

Thatís the only way I can continue

To live this life

 

Summary

 

 

My Darkest Thoughts

 

And you thought you had read it all

That you knew what my darkest thoughts were

I can assure you

You donít

If I could for one moment

Communicate to you

My darkest thoughts

You would not survive

It would be a total annihilation of the universe

Only a few electrons would remain after

The only indivisible particle

And then again

I would invent a way to make them all disappear

Nothing would ever know

That something existed down here

Thatís how dark my thoughts are

Iím sometimes frightened

By how extreme Iíve become

How radical I am

There are no two measures anymore

Thereís only one extreme

I cannot forget

I cannot forgive

I cannot take pity on anyone

No one has come to save me

No one will come to save you

My darkest thoughtsÖ

 

Summary

 

 

Beyond that Californian Mountain

 

Get ready, weíre leaving!

I donít know where

Donít ask

Weíre just leaving

There are some new horizons to explore

Iíve been told there was something there

To make it all worthwhile

Of course I donít believe it

I donít care

I need to get out of here!

I need to believe there is something

Beyond these Californian mountains

I see them every day on my way to work

And yet I am stuck in the San Fernando Valley

Every day on my way to work

I cannot reach those mountains

Iím not even sure if theyíre real

Who cares?

Get ready!

Weíre leaving

I donít know

Who cares?

I need to get out of here

I cannot be stuck like this

Anywhere!

I cannot just stop living

Anywhere

I need to feel alive!

I need to get going

I need to listen

To my sense of adventure

My need of exploration

Whatís behind that mountain?

I donít know

I donít care

I need to go there

I need to find out

Donít you understand?

I need to get out of here!

Get ready!

 

Summary

 

 

I want to be a Damn Modern Californian Hippy!

 

Modern Californian hippies

Have traded their drug pipe

With the Stock Exchange market papers

They are green at heart

But theyíre fearful capitalists by day

To make good money

To make good bonuses

And then after work

They pick up their guitar

They pick up their surf board

And they go to the beach

 

Thatís what I want to be!

A Californian modern hippy

I want to go on the road

Start a business

From a mobile phone

Get rich by day

Be a hippy the rest of the night

I want shit loads of money

So I can finance my Californian hippy life

 

Iíll never be a hippy

But thereís no harm in pretending

Is there?

Millions down here are pretending

Theyíre no more hippies than I am

So I guess

Thereís no harm in pretending

Is there?

 

Even if it kills me

Even if I have to become a millionaire to achieve it

Just like everyone else down here

Iíll be a damn Modern Californian Hippy!

 

Summary

 

 

Who else can I destroy?

 

Iím in a destructive mode

Get out of my way

Or I may just stop for a few minutes

To judge you

To criticize you

To destroy you

 

Who else can I destroy?

There is so much to pick from

It is getting ridiculous

Everyoneís life

Everyoneís little crisis

Brings the worse in everyone

Giving me the chance to have one good look

And feel deep pity

And then

Sorry

Thereís no excuse

I have to destroy you

Your pettiness

Your miserable little existence

All fenced up

Your little meaningless flag that you are so proud of

This little bit of territory that you are defending

To your last dying breath

Will be your buried ground

Faster than you can imagine

 

Watch out!

Iíll destroy you

 

Summary

 

 

Study your symbolism, for godís sake!

 

When I say that I want to shoot you in the head

What I really mean

Is that I donít like what you are doing

 

When I say that we need to blow up this planet

What I really mean

Is that really we should try a little bit harder to be nice to people

 

When I say that this country is going to hell and everyone should die

What I really mean

Is that frankly, I need a little bit more money to finish the month

 

When I am saying that you should go back into the anus of your mom

What I really mean

Is that you could smile at me once in a while

 

When I say die bitch!

What I really mean

Is, oh for Godís sake, I do mean it, die bitch!

No seriously, I mean, go see a psychologist dear, it might help us all

 

When I say I had enough and I will commit suicide

What I really mean

Is letís have sex pumpkin, it has been a week, you know?

 

When I say that no one deserves to live

What I really mean

Is that, well, Iím not sure what that one really means

Perhaps I really mean it after all

 

Summary

 

 

Genius

 

There is something in genius stuff

That does not quite add up

When in arts

They reach perfection

It does not seem natural

It does not seem possible

How all this come together?

Where does it start?

How can they understand

So many layers of meaning

So many perfect chords

So perfect an imagination

That can create something out of this world?

Is it completely on a subconscious level?

Fascinating

Does not happen often

Lucky when you come across it

Genius

Is the biggest mystery of all

 

Summary

 

 

You tried to get me sacked, this is War

 

You tried to get me sacked again

You did not think about the consequences

Is that your best shot?

Because look

Iím still here

You perhaps thought

That there would be no tomorrow

That I would not be back to suffer you everyday

That I was no longer your worry

You were wrong

I am back with a vengeance

There is no forgiveness possible

In that kind of mind game you decided to play

I cannot forget what you just did

I cannot try to like you now, can I?

I can only hate you

And do everything I can

To destroy you

Before you destroy me

You wanna play that game?

You will find out that it is very destructive indeed

Like in any war

There will be no winner

We will all be dead at the end of it

But what choice have you given me?

You tried to get me sacked

It was unjustified

The bosses saw through your game

Or you were not convincing enough

You could not find the smoking gun

Because there was none

Donít worry, Iíll find one

Iíll succeed in destroying you

Because I am not like you

I do not play these mind games

Under any slight trifle

I make my move afterwards

In self defense

When I have the perfect opportunity

No trifles

Just plain hard undeniable facts

About your incompetence

And your mind games

To bury your inadequacy

 

This is a declaration of war

I declare that I am now going to have one goal only

Your utter destruction

I have not started the war

I never do

But I sure

Will finish it

Until none of us survive

 

You should have thought about the consequences

The end always justifies the means

Itís personal now

I donít care to die

Do you?

 

Summary

 

 

The World is filled with Backstabbers

 

It is ridiculous

Weíre all walking around the office

With our little dagger in our right hand

We use it all time

To prove how incompetent everyone else is

To prove how great we are

But I am asking you

How great are we really?

If to prove it we need a dagger in our right hand?

If we need to kill everyone else to reach the top

When there is not even a top to speak of?

The world is filled with backstabbers

Never forget it

Never let your guard down

If you do not kill them first

They certainly will

 

Your first ever vibe about anyone

Tells it all

You are warned the very first second

And yet you think you might escape it

Somehow

Escape your destiny?

In a world full of backstabbers?

You must be dreaming

Be one of those optimistic persons

They always die first

Itís a law of nature

They are so easy to manipulate

In a world of manipulators

 

If you are not already calculating

Your next move

You are doomed

In a world filled with backstabbers

You can only yourself become one

 

In this corporate world

This is all there is left to do

Backstab happily my friend!

Before they backstab you to death

 

Summary

 

 

Donít Ask, Donít Tell

Iíve been told to stop talking about my sexuality

 

I have been told today

That it was not acceptable

To talk about my sexuality

It is something that is taboo

Donít ask, donít tell

Or else Iíll be sacked

Iím supposed to act as if it did not exist

Because it makes everyone around me feel uncomfortable

Like if they had no sexuality themselves

And I am starting to believe it

No wonder this world is not going anywhere

Because I assure you

We were all born with a sexuality

Maybe you think that you are better than me?

That I am a deviant

Some sort of anomaly

Does it disturb you

When I say that you need to be fucked up the arse?

That you have been a gay in the closet

For too many years now

And that you would feel better

The day you admit it?

Does it disturb you that I have great sex?

When you obviously donít?

Are you jealous or what?

I would be

If I were still a virgin at 30

In fact, I would go stir crazy

Just like you

You see, the problem is not me

The problem is you

Accept yourself

Accept your sexuality

And perhaps then

And only then

Will you be able

To accept

That I have a sexuality

 

Summary

 

 

Drinking yourself to death in L.A.

 

After a hard dayís work

In Los Angeles

There is only one thing to do

Drinking yourself to death

 

Until you forget everything

Until you forget you even exist

Until you forget that you have to do it all over again

The next day

 

I have been such a zombie in L.A.!

My blood has been sucked till I was dried

My life has been sucked until I had no existence

Condemning me all day to a life of the undead

 

And they call it eternal life

Poor souls

Who are already dead

And donít realize it

 

Condemned to do the same routine every day

Until there is only one thing left to do

Drink yourself to death

To forget to live

 

This is what I learned in California

Drinking myself to death

Every night

To forget it all

 

Summary

 

 

Theyíve been testing me, like a rat!

 

They dropped me in that little labyrinth

There was nowhere to go

So I bang my head in every wall

Iíve become famous for it

Then they subjected me to the worse treatments

Just to find out how resistant I was

How much I could endure before cracking

I never did

They were impressed

Now they have added a new level

For me to run everywhere into

Somehow along the way

Iíve become aware

That I was just a rat

That I was just being tested

So I decided to stop playing the game

I did not care to bang myself in the walls anymore

I did not care for the second level

Their new testing ground

Soon I will be declared a great disappointment

A rat without any cleverness

Looking at the sky

Hoping for some salvation

Not playing the game anymore

Not eating or drinking anymore

Letting myself die in my corner

I will be judged a failure

When in fact

I saw through it all

And it depressed me so much

That Iíd rather let myself die

Than play their game

From my point of view

This is my only success

 

Summary

 

 

Youíre not so cool after all

 

I used to think you were so cool

Being in Los Angeles

Enjoying success and all

And I was nothing

How could I be as cool as you?

Living a miserable existence

Rejected by everyone

 

You were everything I wanted to be

I wanted to be just like you

As cool as you

I was envious

Jealous

Was I supposed to be born cool?

As it looked so natural on you

 

But then I started to study you a bit better

I got to know you better

I started to see the cracks

Beyond that cool exterior

There is such a small human being inside

Ten times more worried and frightened than I am

Paranoid, lost, in search for love and acceptation

Not cool at all!

 

Were you not supposed to be a god?

Stronger than I could ever be?

Not worried about anything

As if everything came to you naturally

Not caring about anything

Especially not small people like me?

 

What a discovery

I am stronger than you will ever be

Your cool exterior was hiding

Your nothingness

Your tons of psychological problems

You are so small!

You are nothing!

 

I donít care anymore for cool people

If anything

I am cooler than any of the cool people

Because I am real, not fake

I donít care for what people think of me

Iím just trying to survive, all right?

I am myself

And that makes me cooler

Than you

 

Youíre not so cool after all

So just get lost!

 

Summary

 

 

A Cool Summer Day in London

 

So many cool summer days in London

Nothing can beat that

Not even Los Angeles

No cool summer days here

You would need a winter first for that

Nothing to wait for here

Nothing to hope for here

 

Ah!

My cool summer days in London

Driving around Victoria

Westminster

Richmond Park

Osterley Park, my park

As if I was Royal material

With my castle in the middle

My pond and my birds

Enjoying the sun

Feeling something like life

A powerful energy coming from nowhere

The power of Europe

All over me

For eternity

London, Paris, Barcelona, Prague, Budapest, Rome!

Le Canal du Midi en France

Das Mšrchen Schloss in Bayern

All mine!

For all eternity!

Feeling great, filled with energy

Living for a change!

Taking it all in!

That, I miss deeply

 

Iím concerned

There are no cool summer days in California

I know now

That soon

Iíll be back in Europe

Where love is what awaits me

Great love

I can feel it after all

And all I needed to do

To understand that concept of love

Was to move to Los Angeles

Where love and passion and creativity

Simply

Do not exist

 

Summary

 

 

Oh my God! How will I survive this?

 

Worse than being crucified on a cross

Dear me, I would welcome that any day

Worse than having some weird object inserted into my ass

No problems, insert the Eiffel Tower in there if you wish

Worse than being disinherited

I never wanted your easy money made in a simpler world anyway

Worse than being walked all over by a bunch of bulls

Bulls? Why not Elephants? Then I might actually feel something!

Worse than having the Bible quoted to me for an hour

Iím quite prepared to listen to any old crap, please, tell me more

Worse than dying in a car wreck accident

Oh, you just donít know, how I would love to die

Worse than terrorists annihilating the whole town

Finally some entertainment to make me forget my killing routine!

Worse than having a 50 kilometers asteroid hitting the Earth

Who knows, I might survive all alone, living a new happy life!

 

Oh my God!

Anything, anything but that!

How will I survive it?

Tomorrow Iíve got to go back to work!

 

Summary

 

 

Reaching an L.A. Crisis

 

Los Angeles

Crisis Mode

Panic Attack

Here we are

The End of Days

Just like in the movies

It was all true after all

I canít think anymore!

I canít breathe anymore!

Iíve reached another

L.A. Crisis

 

California

Crisis Mode

Panic Attack

Right here on Hollywood Boulevard

Dying on the street in Burbank

How was that a surprise?

They were all born here

They all died here

The legends

Drunk to full capacity

Drugged to full capacity

This is where

Hollywood drove them all

Over the cliff

 

Hollywood

Crisis Mode

Panic Attack

The End of Days

For me to discover now

To understand

To assimilate

To digest

The enormity of it

The enormity of it all

I will accept my destiny

I will go through it all

I will live through hell

But

I will survive

My L.A. Crisis

 

Summary

 

 

I finally went to Disney Land, Heek!

 

When I passed the door

They must have given me

Some weird pill

Or a magic mushroom

I was not myself

I was seeing double, triple, quadruple

 

I saw some distorted castles

Some bugs jumping around for no apparent reason

Happy people in a happy world!

Nightmarish images of happiness

And so many smelly fat tourists dancing

Too many frightened children crying

That I was able to stand

 

When I saw Mickey Mouse

I was horrified

I donít know what hit me

It was quite powerful

I instantly puked everywhere

And such a splitting headache afterwards

 

And then came seven dwarfs

It was enough to tip me over the edge

Of insanity

Such a fragile frontier with normality

I took a gun from one of the guards

I started shooting blindly

To any Disney character I could see

It took them less than 30 seconds to shut me down

And eject me from this mad world

Which has nothing to do with anything I ever experienced

 

I finally went to Disney Land

It was a horrific experience

Never attempt that

Without first

Drinking a whole bottle of whisky

Otherwise you might not survive it

The change of reality

Is way too brutal

 

But if you are already crazy

Come to Disney Land!

It might be just what you need

It is the electric shock treatment for sure

To get cured from your insanity

It will bring you right back to reality in an instant

 

Summary

 

 

Got to get back to some sense of normality

 

Nowhere in the world are there as many

Tourist traps and attraction parks

Than in Los Angeles

I feel my life has been running on a roller coaster

Since I landed here a few months ago

There is no end to it

Everyday it is another wild ride

All over the mountains

Canít even remember if I slept

Of course it does not help

That I am permanently drunk

How could I survive otherwise here?

Just buy your ticket

Just get on the ride

Weíll bring you to wonderful places

Weíll convince you that this is paradise

Oh what a wonderful world!

This is Hollywood!

Behind each palm tree

Hides the next celebrity

Waiting in line to become rich

Successful

More popular than Jesus Christ himself

You can read it all in the magazines

Another scandal is the only way

To get to the top

Just like the presidency really

Enjoy!

The ride will eventually come to a brutal end

You will have to decide eventually

That youíre just an utter failure

That it was just an impossible dream

What an illusion

Eventually

You will have to come to your senses

And get back to some sense of normality

And go back to wherever it is

That you come from

Los Angeles was not the last stop after all

Who cares anyway?

There is still a great life to be lived out there

And it does not have to end up in a Hollywood film

 

Summary

 

 

It always comes back to that, isnít it?

 

It always comes back to that, isnít it?

What is it this time?

What is this big secret which will again

Devastate me?

Irretrievably change my life

To keep me exactly where I am now

Where weíve always been?

Oh please!

Can we live this life without anymore downfalls?

Is it not possible to live a life

Of total inaction?

All you need is one day

To destroy it all

When all we have ever been able to reach

Is the bottom of the ocean

Deeper and deeper

No matter how hard you try

To reach some sort of happiness

Just for a while

It can never last

You get right back to square one

Another disaster

Another crisis

Some suffering

A lot of crying

Once again completely lost

Alone in the world

With great unexplored vastness in front of our eyes

Wishing we could fly and reach it all

Discover a new horizon

Less horrible than the precedent

As a law of nature

We can only find

Worse

It always comes back to that, isnít it?

 

Summary

 

 

Where the fuck am I?

 

I donít know where I am anymore

Iíve been everywhere

Time is no longer linear in my case

I am everywhere and nowhere at the same time

I donít know what it is that I am supposed to do

I just know that I donít want to do it

 

Where the fuck am I?

I donít know where I am

I just know that I donít want to be anywhere

Anywhere has never made me happy

Whatever I ever did

Never made me happy

So

How could I care where I am

What I am doing?

And especially

What I should be doing next

And where?

 

Where the fuck am I?

What is it that Iím supposed to do here?

Should it not be where I actually want to be?

Doing what I actually want to do?

It is not the case

So I could not care less

That is why I have the strangest ideas

The weirdest desires

Of changing everything

Nothing ever could make me happy

Nowhere in this world could I ever be happy

You could not make me happy

I donít need you

I donít need everything that you want me to do

I donít need that shite

Just get out and disappear!

So I can get lost too

And never

Ever

Have

To give it

A second thought

 

Where the fuck am I?

Lost, thatís for sure

What am I doing?

Nothing, thatís for sure

Where should I be?

Nowhere

What should I be doing?

Nothing

 

Then

Perhaps

I might

Find

Happiness

 

Summary

 

 

I thought you were dead

 

I thought I succeeded

In killing all of you

In my own thoughts

My own dreams

And then

To my astonishment

You all came back from the dead

 

What is it now?

What do you want from me?

Donít you understand

That youíre supposed to be dead?

Not existing

Being nothing?

 

I succeeded

In forgetting you

Accepting your death

Why do you come back now?

What are all those questions?

I donít need to answer any of them

Iím in deep shit, as usual

I know you could help me tremendously

I know you donít want to

I know you wonít

I know I would not accept it anyway

 

So why come back from the dead?

Especially now?

When I am so down at the bottom?

Do you enjoy seeing me down there?

Does it make you feel better

How low I am

And how normal you are?

 

Well, I never cared for normality

I prefer to be sinking really

Yes I do!

Donít question me

I donít know why

I donít want to know

I am marginal

I am not like you

I donít want to be like you

 

Let me sink!

I donít care for zombies

Contacting me once in a while

To find out if I am finally getting somewhere

I am not

And I wonít be

For many more decades

Are you happy now?

Are you ready to go back

To the world of the dead?

 

Summary

 

 

Feeling orgasmic aboutÖ another project

 

Faster! Faster!

Oh yes!

Oooh!

Yes, continue

Itís perfect

Just like that

It makes me feel

How can I say

Powerful

Rich

Illuminated

Ah yes, yes, yes!

Harder

More!

I love it

I love you

Go for it

Donít stop

No please!

I canít stand it anymore

Ah yes

Thatís better

Faster! Faster!

 

Iím sorry Sir

Iím typing that project as fast as I can

And by the way, to be honest

I donít feel as orgasmic as you about it

 

Summary

 

 

500,000 people in New Orleans

need mental health services

 

Katrina and the wave

Destroyed a good American city

No longer will we have to hear

About New Orleans

 

Well

If 500,000 people are in an emotional turmoil

I say stop right there

It is not them who need help

It is the rest of America

Everyone working in the corporate world

 

Letís start with me for example

I had a hell of a week

I did not sleep at all

I worked on that project night and day

I was bullied by my bosses until my guts came out

Iím in desperate needs for mental health services

For my services to one American corporation

It is like a disease, you catch it after a while

So please!

Send my way an army of psychologists

Bagged with all the pills there are in America

We need it much more in L.A. than in New Orleans

That much is obvious!

 

What?

These people in New Orleans finally got their prayers answered

God flooded the damn place to clean it

They were suddenly free from their day to day hell

Their useless job not helping anyone anyway

They had to deal with something much more exciting

We donít get any of that action in Los Angeles

Except perhaps what they film in these sound stages

 

Forget New Orleans

They are free at last

We still need help down here in L.A.!

God! A big earthquake would do nicelyÖ

 

Summary

 

 

The Decline of the Gay American Empire

 

I landed in this office in America

There was only one other obvious gay guy

He has the single biggest ass I have ever seen in my life

But I did not care, I went to him

Paid him lunch

He brought me in the single most expensive place in town

And I quickly realized that

He was not going to be my ally

If anything

He would work against me

Ok, I thought

This is America

Everyoneís gay but in the closet

You canít expect solidarity from everyone

When everyoneís gay

Can you?

 

Then I decided to observe him from afar

He is a damn good salesman

A true liar

He could sell you a castle in New Orleans

And who would need that now

That the place has been flooded beyond recognition?

 

And then I went to the toilet

Peacefully

Minding my own business

Splashing a little bit of water over my gay face

He rushed in

Ran to the nearest toilet

Did not use the toilet seat protective paper at all

Did not even put toilet paper all around the bowl!

He just within seconds

Shat so noisily

I have never been so embarrassed in my life!

I did not know what to do, what to think

And then

To my astonishment

While I was trying to get out quickly

He came out of the toilet cubicle as fast as he went in

It left me in awe

Did he use any toilet paper at all?

It did not seem so to me

And then he had a big smile

His great salesman voice came back

I think he was trying to sell me a castle in New Orleans!

And then he left quickly

Leaving me behind in utter bewilderment

 

I was in shock!

What happened to gay America?

This is such a disgrace, my God!

It can only mean one thing

We are witnessing something terrible

The Decline of the Gay American Empire

 

Summary

 

 

Iím in Awe!

 

Well done!

It is almost unbelievable

You cannot control your temper

Weíve got more complaints against you

From all our customers

Than anyone ever got altogether in the last 20 years

You gossip like hell

Against the bosses

All the time complaining

To a point where I need to get out

To get some fresh air

You got half the company sacked

On trifles and technicalities

You tried with me

You immediately saw me as a threat

With good reason

You thought I was an easy target

You were met with a brick wall

Youíre not even competent

Youíre not even intelligent

I was able to counter your attack easily

And yet

Youíre so good to my diet

Every time I speak to you

You fill me with such anger

I donít eat anything all day

And then

Youíve accomplished a miracle

Not only did you not lose your job

And even though

I have five times more experience than you

You became my boss!

Unbelievable!

This is America for you

Do you sleep with the boss?

Cos from my point of view

There could be no other explanation

Well

Youíve got me at a disadvantage now

You certainly will win the war

And get me sacked after all

Unfortunately

I canít sleep with the boss

So youíve won

Youíve won the war!

It looks like I underestimated you

Youíre a mastermind

Iím proud of you!

Well done!

Iíll leave the country within a month

 

Summary

 

 

I fell in love in Cannes

 

Sometimes

It is so nice

To be able to escape reality

By remembering oneís past

I was in Cannes twice

I was deeply in love there, twice

With the same person

I almost got what I was so desperate for

I didnít get it

Oh well

Would not have been the same if I did

It is this strong desire

That built the strongest memory

I was happy twice

In Cannes

I was just alive in the streets of Cannes

Every night

Two years in a row

Twice in love

I almost got it

I almost touched it

It was wonderful

I learn poetry there

I also learned

That people steal

At such a perfect moment in time

And yet, it is the same everywhere

Such a great time

Such great memories

Cannes means everything to me

I was happy there

I went everywhere

I know every single place there is

I had sex there

But that was meaningless

What was meaningful

Was what I wanted that I did not get

Alone in the street

At 5 in the morning

With the only love possible

Which was just an impossible love

I think I wrote a whole book about it

God only knows where it is now

All I know

Is that

I had a greater time

In Cannes

That I ever did

In Los Angeles

 

Summary

 

 

Tomorrow will be such a great day all over L.A.!

 

Iíve got to be on lots of amphetamines

To even entertain the idea

That tomorrow

In Los Angeles

Will be a great day

All this town has been able

To bring me

Is a death wish

And yet

I am here tonight

Suddenly believing in miracles

That days are not passing by

Just to bring the worst in humanity

Every single day has been

Worse and worse

Even when you could not think

It could get any worse

Life always finds a way

To make it worse the next day

It is excruciating

Wondering what Iím doing here

Thatís it

I can feel life leaving me forever

I might just die here

Unless I do something

Unless I get out of here before it happens

Is it not too late?

Just when you think

That you are due for a great day

Any kind of good news

That suddenly will change your life

Forever

You discover

That this town has played a trick on you

It is exasperating

You want to die

It is always worse the next day!

Surely

At some point

Iíll wake up in L.A.

And feel great?

At least once?

Oh GodÖ

It just wonít happen

What a disaster

 

Summary

 

 

Sweet Chinese Girl

 

I know youíre a girl

And Iím a boy

And that by some sort

Of law of nature

Weíre incompatible

I feel deeply for you

Weíre in the same boat

A sinking boat

Youíre left there alone

Looking at all this

Experiencing it for the first time

Totally desperate

Not knowing what to do

Whatís coming next

I feel so bad for you

I feel so sorry for you

Iíve been through it dozens of times

It is second nature to me

That hell youíre just discovering

I would love to squeeze you in my arms tonight

Make you discover what it is

That you are actually missing

Everywhere I have been

Everything I have seen

Connected for eternity

To something larger than you have ever experienced

Forget what it is that they are doing to you

Come with me

Weíll go and explore this world

Weíll forget for a while

Weíll be happy for a while

Youíre so sweet

For you Iíll make an exception

I will stop

I will take you under my wings

Until you can fly away

Far away from here

Understand that there is something else

Beyond the horizon

Iíve seen it

And yet

It is more of the same

Only together could we ever built ourselves

A fortress in which

None of them will ever have access

Come with me

Iíll make you discover

This world

Before they turn you into a bitch

Sweet Chinese Girl

 

Summary

 

 

I can get away with murder, remember that

 

You tried again to get rid of me

You pushed me once again to the limits

I exploded!

I barked at you in front of everyone

When I did stand up ready to leave

You said: sit down, weíre not finished

I told you to fuck off and I left

You were pleased

You thought you finally had all the ammunitions

To get me sacked once and for all

You have underestimated me

I am more important here than you are

I have proven myself in your back

You have no knowledge of this

I wonder why the bosses did not share with you

That I was not as idle and incompetent as you thought

Again, it seems, you have destroyed yourself

Trying to destroy me

When will you learn?

I can get away with murder

Useless to try to damage me in any way

I will always resurface

I will always be there the next day

To annoy you in your failure

In trying to get rid of me

Careful

You have tried many times

It has failed every time

You have damaged yourself more and more in the process

I have not even had my try yet

When I will make my move

I will be certain

That you will be sacked

At the moment

There does not seem to be a need

For me to try

You are succeeding on your own

Of getting rid of yourself

And then

I guess

Iíll just have to take your place

While you go and join

All those people you got sacked before

 

I can get away with murder

You canít

Remember that next time you try!

 

Summary

 

 

Iím Unstoppable!

 

Why do I always doubt myself?

I always succeed anyway in the end

I feel so powerful right now

I could take a whole army by myself

Get out of my way!

 

Nothing

No one

Will ever stop my in the pursuit of my destiny

I will accomplish every single thing I want

I will succeed at everything I put my mind to

And all of you

Small people trying to stop me

Will be wiped out of my path

 

Iím indestructible!

Whatever I want to achieve

I achieve it

Whatever obstacles you can see

I am blind to it

Nothing will stop me

No one will stop me

 

There is always a solution

The important thing

Is to not stop before it even begins

I need to go for it

Aware of the impossibility of it

Somehow

I always find a way

To make it come true

 

Money is the least of my worry

I never had any

And yet

It never stopped me

So believe me

When Iím telling you

That I am going to build this empire

I will!

 

Iím following my great destiny

Iím unstoppable!

 

Summary

 

 

Power is nothing

 

Real power in this world

Is nothing

It does not give me any buzz

I donít care

For deciding the destiny of millions

Their fate

Their faith

It is insignificant

The real power is in the head

It is psychological

When you really feel powerful

Ready to create a new universe

Motivated like never

This is significant

This is real power

Creating something huge

When youíre off your mind

Alone

For that I might skip ending my life

For that power I sense in me

That never ending potential

To change everything

Without any real power in the physical world

It is worth living for

Power is nothing

No good ever came of it

But being powerful in your own mind

Can change the world

On a massive scale

 

Summary

 

 

Tomorrow, weíre all sick

 

Iím tired

To make you money

I have other personal projects to work on

I have a business plan to write

A business that will need to exist

Without any investors

You can understand that this is difficult

And requires a lot of my time

As it stands

I have no time

So tomorrow

Iíve decided

Iíll be sick

So I can work like hell

On what will finally be

My salvation

From people like you

From what it is that I have to do

To pay for my survival

Youíre too greedy

You want my whole life

I canít afford it

I need time

To work on my liberation

From my slave condition

To the one of master

Iím sorry it can only be accomplished

On your time

Itís your fault

When is it last time I even had a day off?

You own my life

But if Iím sick tomorrow

I might change all that

Iím so dead though

I might need to sleep all day

Just to become human again

I canít let that stop me

Iím going to work on my way out

On your time

I donít care about the consequences

That you might think less of me

Even if tomorrow is Friday

And it will look suspicious

Youíre making my life such a living hell

Deal with it!

I need to work on my way out

Thatís final

Tomorrow Iím sick

Tomorrow, weíre all sick!

Just get up at seven

Pick up the phone

Donít even fake it

Shout that you are sick of it all!

That you canít stand it anymore!

And then, enjoy your day

And thank me later

Tomorrow

Weíre all sick

 

Summary

 

 

One more day in the Bible Belt,

and I might have to shoot you all

 

Salt Lake City

You must be joking

What were you thinking?

Oh yeah, right, I wanted to end up in America

But Utah?

The Bible Belt?

How long do you think I can survive here?

One day?

Thatís my guess too

If Iím not being arrested

Before even buying a forbidden fruit

LikeÖ I donít know

An apple perhaps?

 

I am the immoralist here

I am the ultimate mistake of nature

I am humanityís greatest sin reincarnated

And from what I hear

I am humanityís greatest threat!

 

What do you think I can achieve

In Salt Lake City?

Where they found those

Dead Sea Invented Secret Scrolls made of Gold?

Or whateverÖ

 

How many days?

Oh my god!

Oh My GodÖ

You want the end of the world

Thatís for sure

Or the end of me

Thatís for sure

 

Thereís no getting to them

Theyíre already sold

To the Republicans

One more day in the Bible Belt

And I might have to

Make them understand

Who I am

And my right to exist

By the only mean available to me

 

Thereís no getting to them

Theyíre already sold

To God

One more day in the Bible Belt

And I might have to

Make them understand

Without mercy

By

Shooting them all

 

Summary

 

 

Desperate for a gun in America

 

Thatís right

I so think that the solution to

All humanityís problems

Hang with me owning a gun

 

Believe me!

I need a gun!

Help me get one!

Now!

 

I could achieve great things in America with a gun

I could finally get that world to work

To think!

Iím sure of it

 

This is the only language anyone can understand

That is the only language I can understand

Give me a gun!

A big one

 

Iíll change the world

Iíll make it a success

Iíll make you all the profit youíll ever need

Holding the planet at ransom

 

Thatís my destiny

Thatís what I was born for

Iíll crush them

Iíll crucify them all

To our own advantage

 

Iíll make them understand the urgency at hand

Got to meet my deadline

Got to make a few millions here

Got to turn you into Jesus-Christ himself

 

Youíve got it all wrong!

Forget these damned management consultants

I donít need more processes

I donít need a new job description

I donít need a new Manager

And more stuff to do with no time for it

 

I need a gun!

Thatís all I need!

Iíll make your dream come true

Iíll put them all in line

Iíll collect the money

 

Weíll make it!

I assure you

Youíll be rich

Beyond your wildest dreams

 

Forget all your bollocks

If you want real and tangible results

Stop spending millions on management consultants

Just give me a gunÖ

 

Summary

 

 

The Mormonís Disney Land in Utah

 

Too late, Iím a Mormon now!

Just as planned

I went to Salt Lake City

Visited the Temple

The Disney World they built

To convince me

That Jesus-Christ was the way forward

 

Didnít have to read the Mormonís Book

Didnít have to hear their philosophy

Didnít have to hear the truth

I just had to be guided around

By the most beautiful and pure

Utah girl there is

Sitting down by the Tabernacle

With her Mormonís blond hair

 

Want a trip

To this 1.5 billion dollars Mormonís shopping mall darliní?

Iíve seen the weirdest dresses there

My God, must belong to Jesusí mother herself

You would look so pure in this

I tell ya!

Oh dear, oh dear

It was just too much for my poor mind

I fell in love instantly

Ready to sell my soul to whomever

To get her forever and ever

Never mind that divorce is not an option

That cancelling a marriage is an alien concept

I want as many babies to pop out

Of between her two legs

As possible

Iím sold

Iím the biggest Mormon you have ever seen

Where do I pay my tithing or tilting or whatever?

40% of my salary (10% before tax)

And all you needed to convince me

Was that angel

Of a Utah girl

That you have walking us around

Your Mormonís Disney Land

 

Summary

 

 

What Salt Lake City has got to offer

 

Sorry we could not match the date of our Nuclear conference

With the ski season

Well, we have learned a valuable lesson

And next year

The Nuclear event will coincide with the ski season

Still, I hope you took advantage

Of what the city had to offer

The biggest Mormonís temple in the world for a start

You donít see that everyday

And if this is not your kind of thing

There is a planetarium down the road

Exhibiting a rock that came from the Moon

Well worth the detour

And what else

Well, thatís about it

After that

Just one more thing to do

Get into a private club

Get drunk

Go home

 

Summary