I am awake!

 

After middayÖ

 

 

 

 

POETRY (sort of)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roland Michel Tremblay

 

 

 

www.themarginal.com

rm@themarginal.com

 

 

 

 

 

44E The Grove, Isleworth, Middx, London, TW7 4JF, UK

Tel: +44 (0)20 8847 5586Mobile: +44 (0)794 127 1010

 

 

 

 



Summary

 

The direct way to heaven

Hysteria

The greatest genocide of all

I am awake

Am I to blame?

Warning hot surface

Institutionalised to death

Oh soÖ meaty

You know who I am

You know who you are

The astonishing power of emotions

Did you forget to put a smiley face on it?

How did we get to be so far gone?

Youíre the one thing I can count on

Iíll buy the damn place!

It is an emergency!

Iím just like my dad

Whoís that fucker talking in the background?

Nothing can reach me now

It is never time to think of retirement

Where do we go from here?

You will succeed!

Such a life of freedom

It is all but in the mind

Ball of anger

Iím just about ready to kill someone

Not my most inspired moment

Everywhere I go I cause a panic

I have that right!

Are there any drugs left in this house?

Itís the end of the world

What else could I do to destroy you?

Why?

Iím just about ready to kill myself

I will motivate a whole planet!

I feel great! How do you feel?

You have no idea the life I am leading

I have the right to exist!

You just donít care, you have to go

We are no parrots!

No one will ever understand you

Absolute elation in my own illusions

Despite anything you will live

You are beyond anything that ever was

Is this real or what?

The last taste of freedom

Life is like a Martini

When being gay is fashionable

The angel of destruction

Eternal ideas

What is this all about?

Iím the queer, youíre the queen

One way or another, we will be free

I sent her into a spin again

Love and Hate so much

How desperate we are

How powerful all this is

Iím out and so should you

We will make it happen!

I will declare independence

Only read into it what it tells you

Iím free!

Life is the search for the perfect title

Your thoughts become your world

This world is not real

Cannot recognise myself

Weíll get there

Get creative! Get to live!

One More Rule

I am the last Crowned Anarchist!

Everything is allowed

I am already dead

No righteous people ever

No truth anywhere

Will you be my apostle?

Read Think Write

This is the beginning of something huge

Awake! And make it happen!

A great destiny is awaiting you

No matter how hard you try

Finally, I am dying

Defying death forever

So many great minds

Nothing to fall back on

No need to think anymore

From such a place to speak

Existing only in oneís mind

We all end up in California

Message to the next humanity

The Next Generation

Fight for it!

We will change this world

I am an American, no longer

No authority required

It is all so simple

Do not fall in love with me

So disabused with life

Iím a poet

Iím not a poet

 


 

 

I am awake!

 

 

 

 

 

The direct way to heaven

 

The most direct way to heaven

Is to be deaf

Is to be blind

Is to remain ignorant

 

Of all that anyone could say

Of anything you could witness

Of anything you could ever become aware of

 

As there is not one angel around you

Never could there be

An angel around you

As we are all the same

And none of us could ever

Find the way to heaven

 

Lies and more lies

Is what defines a nation

From the high ends to the low ones

Is all you could ever find

 

More lies

Enough to fill any bottle

None of which you would be crazy enough

To send out at sea

For anyone to find

Better keep it secret

That weíre all hopeless

 

The most direct way to heaven

Is to be deaf

Is to be blind

Is to remain ignorant

 

It is the only way to heaven

No interaction

No contamination

 

Do not at any rate make contact

With this lost humanity

It will be your downfall

Let it die

As it cannot fail to happen

Crumbling under all their negativity

Until it shrinks to nothingness

 

If you somehow remain innocent

To all those crimes against humanity

Perpetrated by humanity

 

If you somehow remain innocent

To anything remotely human related

Then maybe, just maybe, you might reach heaven

 

Your most direct way to heaven

Is to be deaf

Is to be blind

Is to remain ignorant

 

But you were born

Youíre not deaf

Youíre not blind

Youíre not ignorant

 

It is too late for you

You will never ever

Reach heaven

 

You were so predictable

You were so damn stupid

How could we have ever hoped

For you to think for yourself

To be deaf to stupidity

To be blind to foolishness

To be knowledgeable enough

To find the truth for yourself

In a world of lies

 

It is too late for you

You will never ever

Reach heaven

 

None of us will

How could we

In such a world?

 

The direct way to heaven

Is to never be born

Never be born

Never be born

 

 

Hysteria

 

Iím hysterical again

Iím so sorry

I tried so hard

Not to be out of control

I just canít help it

You drive me mad

You drive me to insanity

I wish I could see a way

To remain reasonable

Logical

Sane

For that

You would need to be so yourself

But youíre not

 

Iím hysterical most of the time

It is all down to you

What have you done to me?

What is your problem?

Why do you drive all of us

To the brink of hysteria?

Is there a need for it?

Does it serve some obscure purpose?

What have you got to gain

From a world on the brink of war?

 

Iím hysterical again

Iím not sorry anymore

I tried so hard in vain

Not to be out of control

I could never have helped it

You drive me mad

You drive me to insanity

There is no way I could be balanced

To remain reasonable

Logical

Sane

For that

You would need to be so yourself

But you could never be

You could not help it

You have a problem

You cannot help but drive all of us

To the brink of hysteria

There is no need for it

There is no purpose for it

You have nothing to gain

And yet, this world is on the brink of war

 

Itís a sad world

I am hysterical

This is all you can bring in people

So I will no longer apologise

Iím afraid

You have only yourself to blame

Iím afraid

There will be war

 

 

The greatest genocide of all

 

What do you know of genocides?

What about wars?

People dying in slavery?

200 million deaths in the last century alone

You have miscounted

The greatest genocide of all

is the whole of humanity

It happens everyday everywhere

As soon as our soul is as good as dead

Living in a society doing its best to kill everything

 

I have a dead soul

It is quite possible

It was only alive for a few years

And immediately it was snatched away from me

All day long

I share this existence

With dead people

Who know nothing of what life is

And what it could be

Theyíre working very hard

To achieve the greatest genocide possible

They have succeeded

Simply because we let them succeed

 

I long for a world of freedom

Where one could at least feel elated

Once in a while

Instead, I am struggling

To find ways

To vent more frustrations

Such anger boiling inside of me

You donít want to be there when it explodes

Cosí I can only add to the toll

Of the greatest genocide of all

Just as we are all contributors

To the mass killing of humanity

With no wish whatsoever to change anything

This planet is populated by six billion zombies

All dead in their soul

 

The soul of humanity is dead

The greatest genocide of all

 

 

I am awake

 

I am awake

It is so rare that I can say those words

Most of the time

I just do my job

I come home to find my bed

I sleep hours and hours

Just to come back to life again

Just to go back to work and die

Again

 

I am awake

Constant bitching

Favouritism

Unfairness

Injustice

Discrimination

Is all I need

To go right back to sleep

Forever and ever

Until I die for good

For a long time

I thought

The only way I could be awake

Was through my dreams

But then, I am not awake

Am I?

 

I am awake

For such a short time

Whenever they cross the line

Whenever they reach my limits

Whenever I can no longer suffer them

When it needs to come out

When I need to do something insane

When I need to detonate

When I feel I have lost all hope

I awake

I think

I try to put it all back in perspective

I search for ways out

I only find desperation

 

I am awake

But so barely

What do I need to do

To wake up for good

From this nightmare?

Would peace ever come?

Happiness?

Something worth living for?

Give me one reason

To remain awake

Under conditions

Not called from anger and despair

One reason

Quick!

Too late

Iím back to sleep

Forever and ever

 

 

Am I to blame?

 

I will admit as much

I donít make it easy for myself

I do talk

I do attack

I do explode

 

Am I to Blame?

 

Good question

Well

I could stop talking

I could stop attacking

I could stop exploding

Well

I could also stop living

Stop existing

Be a complete drone

Just like a computer

With a basic language

Awaiting commands

And obey until its components finally fail

 

So

Am I to blame?

 

Oh, what a great life that would be

I would never get into trouble

I would never be told what to do and what not to do

I would be perfection re-incarnated

However

I would no longer be a human being

Not that I ever thought

That I ever was one to begin with

It could be worse though

Much worse

You try very hard to make it impossible

You turned me into

Your scapegoat

This is not acceptable

 

For wishing to feel alive

Am I to blame?

 

You

Have a complex of superiority

You

Are on a power trip

You

Abuse your powers

You

Treat us like children

You

Are patronising

You

Believe you can control our lives

You

Turn us into miserable human beings

You

Turn us into monsters

 

For your blindness

Am I to blame?

 

 

Warning hot surface

 

Youíre all surface dear

Only surface dear

 

You are such a nice person

You are so white

You are so pure

You are so perfect

You are so fantastic

You are so beautiful

You are so cool

You are so intelligent

Youíre full of shit

Warning hot surface!

 

Youíre all surface dear

Only surface dear

 

I sometimes wonder

What you must have gone through

To have become what you are

To come to act the way you do

Constantly stating how great you are

Such insecurity

This great fear of not being accepted

Rejected for whatever reason

I feel so sorry for you

I pity you

But when you declare war on me

Iím sorry

But I have to tell you

You are but a bitch

Youíre full of shit

Warning hot surface!

 

Youíre all surface dear

Only surface dear

 

I am sorry I have to tell you

Not that anyone truly cares

And you almost convinced me

But

You are not a nice person

You are not pure

You are not perfect

You are not fantastic

You are not beautiful

You are not cool

You are not intelligent

Youíre full of shit

Warning hot surface!

 

Youíre all surface dear

Only surface dear

 

Such a shame

Because it wouldnít take much from you

To be what you say you are

You almost convinced me

I liked you

I admired you

I wanted to be your friend

You destroyed it all

Perhaps because you cannot accept who you are

I feel sorry for you

I pity you

Youíre disconnected from reality

Youíre full of shit

Warning hot surface!

 

Youíre all surface dear

Only surface dear

 

 

Institutionalised to death

 

A delinquent?

You?

I have more delinquency in my small finger

Than in all the image you project

You are

An institution all by yourself

 

You never fooled me

With your skinhead

With your tribal earrings

In all the right places

With your sadomasochist side

With your leather black suit

With your innuendos

Dear God!

I knew it!

In the end

You are

An institution all by yourself

 

You think you are the all mighty

That you control everything

Yeah!

Youíre a control freak

Your fake image

Serves one purpose only

We open up

We admit it

We incriminate ourselves

I didnít fall for that

I knew

You are

An institution all by yourself

 

Anyone spending so much time

In front of a mirror

Getting ready to look the way you do

Presents no danger to anyone

Whatever the delinquent image you project

However

You do represent a real danger

You set a trap

You have the authority

You can annihilate someoneís career

You have that power

You abuse it

After so many years

Iím afraid to say

Beyond any hope

You are

Institutionalised to death

 

I hope

Such a frightening thought

Kills you in the end

 

 

Oh soÖ meaty

 

So!

Are you beefy or chicken flavour?

Sometimes I think I smell a fish

 

I will admit as much

You have impressed me

You are the strongest woman I have ever met

You have the greatest personality I have ever seen

You are also the greatest fag hag anyone ever had

Not my fag hag, unfortunately

The fag hag of others

It is well known that every single woman

Every single lesbian

Hate me to death

God knows what I have done to them

I guess it is because I am ultimately a man

Not camp enough to appear inoffensive

 

So!

Are you beefy or chicken flavour?

Sometimes I think I smell a fish

 

We fought hard

We battled like mad ones

Argued, argued and argued

Dear me

What did we argue about?

It seems we just fight for the sake of it

Because this is who you are

This is your personality

This is why you have no boyfriend

As you say

No one will have you

Even that I admire

 

So!

Are you beefy or chicken flavour?

Sometimes I think I smell a fish

 

For once

Here is someone who is not self important

Here is someone who is important

Just for existing and being in a room

I must recognise myself in that

How else could I admire it so much?

Iím sure, weíre both struggling

With such externalised personalities

Talking faster than we can think

Talking before we think mostly

Which might explain

Why we are always in trouble

And there is no hope for people like us

 

So!

Are you beefy or chicken flavour?

Sometimes I think I smell a fish

 

However, moreover, but, whatever

You didnít use to look the way you do

There was a time when you were just what I am now

Nothing

You looked that too

Nothing

You are still girly, arenít you?

How can someone so strong minded

Be so childlike in so many ways?

I can see the cracks

There are always cracks

Sorry I noticed

Well, no one can be so perfect

 

So!

Are you beefy or chicken flavour?

Sometimes I think I smell a fish

 

I donít care

I know you are a bitch

I donít care

I know you control my existence

I donít care

I will still marry you

I donít care

For once, I might even get a hard on

 

I think I smell a fish

Oh soÖ meaty

 

 

You know who I am

 

I bet you would like to know

Who I am

Would you like to know

Who I am?

Do you know

Who I am?

 

I am sorry that no one knows

Who I am

How could you know

Who I am

Do you think you know

Who I am?

 

I have been searching

I have looked around

I have tried to figure out

Who I am

I donít know

Who I am

 

So, do you really think that you know

Who I am?

Do you feel it is possible for you to find out

Who I am?

Is there any way possible that you could know

Who I am?

When I donít even know myself

Who I am?

 

If it is so, youíve got to let me know

Who I am

Before it is too late

Before I shoot myself

 

 

You know who you are

 

Who are you?

Falling from the sky

Falling from nowhere

Nicely placed there into my life

For me to suffer ever more

 

Who are you?

You seem to know everything

You can dissect the world

You dissect me

As if all was known to you

Really, what could you possibly know?

 

I donít know you

How could you know me?

I donít know the world

How could you know the world?

I donít know anything

You know nothing

 

Judging is so easy

Have a quick look at anything

For five long minutes

And here you come

Making the judgement of the century

Never thinking about the consequences

Never looking back at the consequences

Go on and on and on and on and on

For posterity

To understand and be enlightened

 

Who are you?

I donít know you

You donít know me

What do you know of this world?

Nothing

 

So

Perhaps

You should

Just

Shut up

And get lost

 

 

The astonishing power of emotions

 

The Astonishing Power of Emotions

Will certainly soon annihilate

Just about

Everything

That remains

Of this world

 

 

Did you forget to put a smiley face on it?

 

Did you forget?

Did you forget to be happy?

To convince yourself

That everything was great?

That everything

Was just so perfect?

 

Did you?

Did you forget?

Did you forget to put a smiley face on it?

 

Shame on you!

Oh what a disgrace

I am so disappointed

How could you

 

How could you?

How could you forget?

How could you forget!

To put a smiley face on it?

 

We are living in a perfect world

A world that the first moron

Can create in its image

 

We are here in this so perfect world

Creating it as we go along

All of us to the last retard

 

Here we are

This is now the world

We present it to you

In such a manner

That none of you will ever understand

What this world is truly about

But hey

Hereís a bunch of rules

You better follow them

Or else

Dear me

All hell will break lose

 

Did you forget?

Did you forget to be happy?

To convince yourself

That everything was great?

That everything

Was just so perfect?

 

Did you?

Did you forget?

Did you forget to put a smiley face on it?

 

How could you

 

 

How did we get to be so far gone?

 

How did I get to be so far gone?

 

I cannot tell you where I am

I cannot convince myself where I am

I believe I exist

In so many different places at once

Must be in this world of dreams

Must be in this world of memories

That I cannot pinpoint

When I wake up

What this life is all about

Where I am

What I am supposed to do

 

How did I get to be so far gone?

 

I am halfway here

I am halfway there

I wake up today here

I wake up tomorrow there

I donít know where I am

I am everywhere

In all those places at once

I feel so wonderful here

I feel so awful there

I feel so great there

I feel so bad here

I donít know where I am

I do not want to know where I am

 

How did I get to be so far gone?

 

I guess I have lived

More than most

All those experiences

That I was so eager to acquire

Ready to sacrifice everything

In the name of freedom

In the name of adventure

I have gone there

I have done that

I am now here

God knows what I am doing now

I cannot think anymore

I do not want to think anymore

Of what was

And what is

And what might be

 

How did I get to be so far gone?

 

I travelled far

So many places I called home

All were my home

As I never had one

Everywhere I have been!

Everyone I have met!

Now

Can I choose, can I decide

Where I want to be?

With whom I want to be?

Or is it too late?

Or am I actually there

Where I want to be

With whom I want to be

As I feel it to be

As I feel I am

So strongly

I just donít know

 

How did I get to be so far gone?

 

 

Youíre the one thing I can count on

 

I should have known

There is but one thing only

One thing only

That I can truly count on

That thing

Is you

 

Sorry!

Sorry

I should have never abandoned you

I should never have treated you this way

I should never have replaced you

So unkindly

With such words

OhÖ

 

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you just take me back?

As if I had never left you

For so many years

And for so far away

I donít know what I was thinking

I must have been lost

On some weird planet

In the pursuit of such dreams

We all know that none of them

Could ever have come true

Whimsical life

Filled with infatuations

God!

Did the grass looked greener over there

In the middle of the desert

Couldnít have been more blind

The perfect excuse

To explain everything

Grass grows in the desert

It looks so imposing

So life defining

Everything

 

I was right to think whatever I thought

I was right to leave you

For a while I got all I wanted

All I wished for

All that I worked so hard to get

Such a construction

Such a creation

I had it all

Whilst you were

Somewhere else lost

None existing

I was so happy

Enjoying such freedom

Never again will I ever experience this

 

Why I am getting back to you exactly?

Am I so bored with whatever else exists on this planet?

Are you fulfilling this hole as I expect you should?

Is it true then

That I can always count on you?

No matter what

No matter how I just abandon you there to rot

Whilst I go around doing the unthinkable?

Doing to others what I never even did to you?

And do you even care?

No!

I knew that

I was never completely that stupid

And yet

I feel guilt

Should never have abandoned you

There is only one thing I can truly depend on

That thing, it is you

You have never let me down

You will never let me down

Probably because you will never know I even exist

 

I will never ever again

Abandon you like this

Never let me down

Never disappointed me

Never stopped doing what it is that you do best

Never, never, never!

You are the only thing I can count on

What a love story!

 

Now

So we can make sense out of all of this

Has anyone got a gun?

 

 

Iíll buy the damn place!

 

I feel so much regrets already

So much remorse

That I was there

All within my grasp

All for the wrong reasons

And yet

I have fallen in love so deeply

How I would love to go back

To live there

To make it all my own

As if it was all mine

As if I had created it all with my own two hands

 

How lovely!

Oh so romantic

Lost in the middle of nowhere

Some sort of a desert

Some sort of a canyon

Some sort of a lost place

Where there was life

Where there was hope

Where there was

Everything someone could dream of

 

Must have been nothing

Must have been a lost cause

Must have been a lost after thought

 

In such a wasteful place

In the middle of nowhere

In the middle of the desert

In the middle of a canyon

 

Must have been nothing

Must have been a lost cause

Must have been a lost after thought

 

And yet

It is everything to me

Nowhere else could ever mean

Anything to me

 

I will go back one day

I will see it again one day

I will live it again one day

I will live there one day

 

Iíll buy the damn place!

 

 

It is an emergency!

 

Iím not sure how long I can last

I am desperate

I need it right now

How so lovely

So pure and so young

I canít breathe anymore

Iím in awe

Yes

Bring it back

Bring it now

It is an emergency!

 

Such innocence

Which has not seen anything yet

Not experienced anything yet

All hope and waiting

To start a life

That most likely

Will never start

Unless

Unless one intervenes

Makes it a fulfilling one

Without asking for anything in return

Just as one should expect from life

 

I can no longer stand this

I am desperate

It is such a need for me

To see this thing start living

Appreciate life as it can be appreciated

See life

The only way it can be seen

The world standing there in front of us

So many places to go

So many people to meet

So much experience to acquire

That would be lost

Undeniably

If such a wonder

Were to die where it started

Never to see life

Never to see the world

 

OhÖ

Such a waste

Happens all the time

It is not acceptable

People donít know better

People should know better

 

It is an emergency

Bring it down

We will talk some sense into it

We will show it the way

We will launch it

To the ultimate experience

The only way someone should live

Before it is too late

 

Someone is in deep need

To be launched into space

It should be given a chance

It should be launched into the universe

 

Someone needs to do something

Someone needs to start living

Someone needs to start creating

Desperately crying for help

 

Is it you that I am talking about?

It is an emergency!

 

 

Iím just like my dad

 

I am just like my dad

We look the same

We used to be the best looking guy around

The one everyone was after

In our own way

 

I am just like my dad

The same face

The same smile

The same body

The same personality

The whole nine yards

From beginning to end

 

I am just like my dad

I just donít know how he survived it

How he did it

A lifetime working for the government

In such a restraint environment

For over 40 years

I cannot explain it

I would have died before retirement

No way could I have survived it

 

I am just like my dad

Iím just a bit more extreme

Iím just a bit more out there

I am just a bit more extrovert

Well

I just needed to live!

I just needed to explore!

I just needed to get out of here!

I just needed to get off my mind!

I just needed toÖ burst out!

All over life!

All over the universe!

Leave an indelible mark on this planet!

Take control!

And make it happen!

 

So

I guess

I am nothing like my dad

I cannot understand him

What is he about?

Why does he exist at all?

I donít know, do you?

He will die forgotten

Without ever having created anything

From my point of view

He wasted his whole life

I am not proud of my dad

Because I saw so much potential within him

More so than I could ever have dreamt there was within me

And it has all gone to waste

Because parents do not listen

To their children who know better

 

Fuck my dad then!

He will never amount to anything!

He will never be anyone

He will never do anything significant

He might as well just die!

Whilst I reach for the highest pyramid

Whilst I continue my meaningless

Ascension to the top of this world

Whilst I drive full on towards my ultimate downfall

Just so he can one day

Tell me that

He was right all along

I am not just like my dad

I will never be able

To tell my son one day

That I was right all along

Because I will never have a son

And to be honest

I donít give a fuck about that shite

 

I am just like my dad

Weíre one and the same

And hopefully one day

I will have the last word

 

And that last word will be

Despite everything

Despite this chasm separating us

I love you dad

 

 

Whoís that fucker talking in the background?

 

How stupid do you think I am?

Do you think I am that blind

To what is truly going on?

That I cannot hear the words

Talking through you in the background?

Are you not talking the words of destiny?

The true words of God?

The only God you ever believed in?

That I never could ever believe in myself?

 

So

Whoís that fucker in the background

Dictating to you what needs to be said

What this society has deemed necessary

To be said

To annihilate me

To destroy me completely

So I can no longer enjoy this life

Or anything related to it?

Do I deserve to be reduced

To such a small human being

That only death can be seen as my way out?

Do you not understand the impact of what you say?

That it throws us in deep depression

Wishing that we could commit suicide?

 

So

Whoís the fucker talking in the background?

Whoís to blame for such insensitivity?

Who needs to be shot so we can survive?

 

Oh so young and so naÔve you have been

To listen to them

To follow by example

To think this was the way to go

 

One day

You will learn

The full impact

This teaching can have

I hope it wonít be too late by then

For you

Who is so young and so blind

To anything this life has to offer

 

I should have no pity for you

But oh, how I do pity you

That they turned you into such a monster

At such an early age

Before you were able to experience anything

And see how it was out there

Outside your comfort zone

Which you never got out of

 

I suppose I should laugh at it

I do see the world for what it is

I have seen what it was like out there

I know there is no need to turn this life

Into something no one in their right mind would choose

You are young

You are innocent

You are stupid

You have no idea

Because you have not lived

And one wonders if you will ever live

Then you would understand

What life is all about

What the human race needs to survive

Somehow I think you would miss it all completely

That you could never understand

 

So

Whoís the fucker talking in the background?

He is the real target here

And believe me

I will hit him hard somehow one day

I will make him understand

Even though

For you

It is already too late

 

I feel such incredible sadness inside of me for you

But I guess that if you were so easily impressionable

So easily converted to that kind of philosophy

You were weak indeed

And then

You do deserve the life that is awaiting you ahead

You will go through hell

You will live in misery

And somehow you will feel righteous

What an illusion

 

And one day you will fall from quite high up

When they will finally use

Against you

What you have been taught

To use against us

They so quickly turn against anyone

You will not know what hit you

Then what will you have left?

All that you believed in

Will have been used to destroy you

Then you will understand

But by then

It will be too late

 

You have only yourself to blame

You could not see beyond the tip of your nose

You do deserve what is awaiting you

I will not pity you

For such hell you made us suffer

Without realising

When you should have understood

 

You can just die, bitch!

But before you do

What is the source?

What is this source feeding you?

And does he actually really talk?

Or is it just make-belief?

Who is your God?

So we can have his head

Just like and how he had yours

 

Whoís that fucker talking in the background?

 

 

Nothing can reach me now

 

Nothing can reach me now

Nothing can stop me now

 

I am that powerful

So filled with confidence

Of all that I have experienced

No mind games ever could reach me

 

Pitiful mind games you play

So desperate you are

To prove yourself

To get somewhere

Iím afraid

Will all be lost on me

 

I do not play the game

I see through you

I see through the game

I have been playing it for decades

Nothing can reach me now

 

See!

Over there!

Right here!

Such life waiting to be lived!

Such life waiting to be fulfilled!

What are you waiting for?

Donít you see this world?

Where it leads?

Such amazing places

Such amazing people

Who could in an instant

Make it all happen for you

And it is for you to decide

If you want it or not

 

What do you hope to accomplish here?

Do you think this is new to me?

Do you think I am such a virgin as you are

When I have slept with the whole planet?

And when you do not even know

What masturbation is?

Whilst you pretend you do

 

Nothing can reach me now

Unless I decide that it should have any kind of impact upon me

Then

You will become my target

To ridicule this life

This existence

To make you so small

You will die of shame

Be sure

It does not affect me

But it will affect you

 

I will not feel guilt anymore

For speaking the truth

For telling it the way it is

Of fears you might read this one day

If you do

So be it

Nothing can reach me now

 

Iím sure however that everything will reach you

You will then try to make me pay

But I assure you

You cannot win

Nothing can reach me now

 

I am out of this world

I have always been

Thought for a while I was but an observer

I understand now

I am the creator

So who are you then?

My creation

My insignificant creation

And just as I created you

I will make you disappear so fast

You would not even know you ever existed

 

I have such a life to live!

I have such horizons to explore!

So many places to go

So many people to meet

So much to learn

So much to assimilate

I will live this life one way or another

 

Who you think you are

To feel you could stop me

On such a destiny

Shows how ignorant you are

About the mechanisms of this existence

 

I will live the way I see fit

I will see the world the way I intend to

I will travel as far as one can go

I will see the world for what it is

 

Nothing can reach me now

Nothing can stop me now

 

 

It is never time to think of retirement

 

I listen to myself

For the first time

I do no talk of someone waiting to live

I talk as someone who lived

I also talk as someone who does not believe

He will ever live again

Iím sorry, but this is not acceptable

If I think

If you think

That I have lived

That I have a lot of experience

You have seen nothing yet

 

Shit

This is no small matter

I just realised that I was actually young

That I might have lived a lot

For someone so young

But that I was not dead yet

And that there was much more to explore

So much more to experience

To live for

 

I may still have to sacrifice just about everything

To go live the adventure

This life has to offer

I cannot get comfy in one place

With one person

Incapable of the most basic thing about life

Absolute freedom

I will need once again to sacrifice

Everything and everyone

In order to lead the existence

I had in mind

For myself

Cannot feel sorry

Cannot feel bad

Just have to make the decision

Just have to go for it

 

I am not dead!

I am far from retiring!

I have not seen enough!

I have not experienced enough

What this life had to offer!

 

Oh dear

Iím gone now

Ready to go

Ready to leave

Once again

For the other side of the planet

Such sacrifices

Such life changing events

I have no choice in the matter

I have to go

I will go

 

Donít talk to me about retirement

For people like me

Retirement is not an option

I gather that I will be halfway across the galaxy

By the time I have my heart attack

And by then

How could it ever stop me?

Others have heart attacks

I wonít have any heart attack

It is never time

To think of retirement

As after all now

We will never die

 

 

Where do we go from here?

 

So

Where do we go from here?

 

Well

Where am I to start with?

I donít know

Do you know where you are?

Are you sure?

So

Where do you go from here?

 

Where do you go

You donít know

Because you donít even know

Where here is

I will tell you

As I always do

Where you are

Where you are going

Do you think you are somewhere?

You are nowhere

And though you knew where you were heading

You have no clue where you will end up

 

So

Where do we go from here?

 

Does it depend on me?

Are you so lost

That you can no longer guide yourself

To where you need to go?

 

Donít you know

Deep inside

Where you should be?

Where you need to go?

Are you incapable of making the decision

To finally move on?

Do I have to make that decision for you?

 

I know

I understand

How difficult it is

How impossible

Such decisions can be made

And yet

You have to make it

You have to move on

You have to live

You have to exist

You have to make that decision

It is inevitable

You have no choice

This is it

This is the time

You have to get out of there

You have to move on

 

Where do you go from here?

Everywhere!

You will start living

You have to get out of here

You have no choice

Make the decision!

This is where we go from here

 

Liberation!

Freedom!

The start of a new life!

Finally you will live!

Finally you will experience what life is all about!

Get out!

Get out now!

You have suffered long enough!

There is no need to suffer anymore

 

From here

Weíre going everywhere!

There are no frontiers anywhere in this world!

There is always a way

There are always solutions

You will survive

You will explode upon this world

You will become what you were meant to be

So strong and so dedicated

You will make such a difference

Simply because

You suffered so much

No life should ever depend on the one of another

No way!

 

Where do we go from here?

I will tell you

Everywhere at once!

And you will be heard

Everywhere at once!

Because this is the beginning of a new life

And everything will be alright

Because this is what life is all about

There are always solutions around the corner

To the deepest problems ever

 

Make the decision!

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

 

So

Where do we go from here?

Everywhere at once!

Life is awaiting us

So much so

You could never imagine

A whole world is awaiting you

 

So

Where do you go from here?

Everywhere at once!

 

 

You will succeed!

 

What a discovery

I am no longer only thinking of myself

I think of others first

I donít know how this came about

If I had to guess

It is because

I am no longer expecting anything

From this life

 

Do I feel like I am already dead?

That I have nothing left to experience

Nothing to live for?

Am I so old already?

That I feel I have nothing left to offer anyone?

Well, if I felt so old already, at 35

What does this tell you

About anyone over 35?

Donít they feel death upon them?

Just like I do?

I have only a few years left

To accomplish myself

To make something out of my life

I am about to die!

God help me!

 

I feel that perhaps

I had so much more to tell the world

So much more that they would not care about

And yet

I have to tell them

I have to tell them the truth about this world

I will die any day now!

I am 35!

This is the end of my life!

I finally understood that I was mortal!

God help me!

 

And yet

I am no longer selfish

I do not think of myself anymore

I have lived enough

I have experienced enough

I have written enough

I can die happy now

With the sense that I have accomplished

Everything I have set myself to accomplish

Now I can concentrate on the ones

Who are like me

Who never had the chance to

Live the life they were meant to be living

 

I am no longer selfish

And yet

I wonít be able to help any of them

So I have to tell them

That everything was against me

And yet

I broke out from everything

And still led the life I thought I was meant to lead

And if I have done so

You can do the same

Because I am not special

I am insignificant

And yet I told them all to fuck off

I told them I would lead the life I was meant to

And I did

And so can you

 

Hell, if you need help, I will help you

To break out

To get out

To start this life you were meant to live

I am no longer selfish

I think of you first

 

You will succeed!

No matter what!

 

 

Such a life of freedom

 

Are we not all dreaming to be free?

Are we not all dreaming of absolute freedom?

And then we look around

We are chained to death

And yet

Through it all

Canít you feel such freedom?

Are you not free?

To do whatever you want?

You could quit right now

Whatever it is that you are doing

To tell them all to get lost

Enjoy life

Such a life of freedom

 

Here are such horizons awaiting you

We will get there

You will get there

There is nothing that can stop you

Such a life of freedom

Emancipation

Anticipation

Actualisation

Creating oneís existence

Such a life of freedom

That such artists

Could never be recognised

Because they are the very spark of life

The very reason everyone exists

Without ever

Being able

To make any decision

To feel

To inspire

To create

What life is all about

Such a life of freedom

 

I one day

Woke up

I one day

Threw it all out

I one day

Started to live

I one day

Left everything behind

I one day

Made the necessary sacrifices

I one day

Decided to live

I one day

Took a plane for god knows where

I one day

Decided I would start to live

I one day

Lived for real

Such a life of freedom

 

It wasnít easy

It was mad

In retrospect

I am afraid of what I have done

That is why you should not think

You should act

Right now

Such a life of freedom

Is awaiting you

It is ready to be lived

To be experienced

By you

Forget everything

Do not listen to anyone but yourself

Make that crazy decision

Start to live!

 

Such a life of freedom

 

 

It is all but in the mind

 

I was going to say

I was going to sayÖ

But there is no need to say it

 

It is all but in the mind

It certainly starts there

But from there

You go on and create whatever you feel like

 

It is all but in the mind

I assure you

Tough it starts there

From there you go everywhere else

You create everything else

There is no limit

And how could there be?

Any limits?

 

Your mind is a powerful tool

You could still be stuck where you were born

Unable to free yourself

And yet

You could live so far away from here

That is how powerful the mind is

 

Was I born here?

I donít remember

What am I still doing here?

I donít know

I belong somewhere else

I was somewhere else

I invented that somewhere else

Why am I still here?

I cannot explain it

Nevertheless

Iím far gone

Iím far away from here

Iím already gone

A long time ago

 

I built this world!

I made it what it is!

I created those bitches and those bastards!

None of them can affect me

Because I am the only one

I am the only person

That exists

In this world

 

I do live in my own bubble universe

You do live in your own bubble universe

I realised a long time ago

That only I existed in this universe

That I was making it all up as I went along

Everything and everyone that exist

I invented them

I created them

So I could learn something

Out of this world

Just like you do

 

Might be all in the mind

It is still what life is all about

What my life is all about

I created it this way

I wanted it this way

Canít explain why

Because it makes no sense

And yet

I have

And now I have to live with it

 

This world

This whole world

It is all but in my mind

I created it!

I will survive it!

 

This world

This whole world

It is all but in your mind

You created it!

You will survive it!

 

 

Ball of anger

 

Weíre all but just

A great ball of anger

Leaving chaos behind us

Wherever we go

 

Oh, I have tried so hard!

To be nice

To be understanding

To be compassionate

But listening to your jokes

Right after the storm

As if nothing happened

Oh dear

There just comes a point

When it all needs to explode

All in your fake happy face

 

Weíre all but just

A great ball of anger

Leaving chaos behind us

Wherever we go

 

Oh Brother!

See this world weíve made

So much potential

Such a lovely place it could be

We would not need to pretend

For such a perfection

It is all here within our reach

But hearing your loud laugh

Right after you destroyed us

As if nothing happened

Oh dear

There just comes a time

When I need to explode

All over your pretend existence

 

Weíre all but just

A great ball of anger

Leaving chaos behind us

Wherever we go

 

Oh Sister!

Will you open your eyes

See this world for what it is?

See the world for what it could be?

So much we could offer each other

So friendly we could all be

So perfect this universe is

But hearing you whinge again

Freak out once again

About such insignificance

Oh dear

I get so angry

I push the panic button

I could destroy this world

Leaving you to wonder

What brought me to the brink of insanity

 

Weíre all but just

A great ball of anger

Leaving chaos behind us

Wherever we go

 

Oh, I have tried so hard!

But when everyone is just

But a great ball of anger around me

Leaving nothing but destruction in their wake

I have no choice

I have to become the greatest

Ball of anger of all

 

Oh, I have tried so hard!

But

I will be

For you

The greatest ball of anger

The world has ever seen

 

 

Iím just about ready to kill someone

 

I am now deaf to

Everything you say

All the background noise

All the distortions

I am deaf

To your existence

 

I am now blind to

Who you are

What you are

What you are all about

I am blind

To your existence

 

I am now sedated to

Life around me

This reality

The universe

I am sedated

To your existence

 

Such unfairness!

Such injustice!

Such favouritism!

Such discrimination!

Such lies!

You should not even exist

 

I am so distressed

My cry will be heard in the next millennium

I am so angry

I could annihilate anyone crossing my path

I am so out of my mind

Iím just about ready to kill someone

 

 

Not my most inspired moment

 

Whilst I am trying so desperately

To be nice

To show compassion

To be perfect

To be happy

Peaceful

Elated!

This is not

My most inspired moment

 

Whilst I am trying so hard

To become a new man

To create another reality

To feel hopeful for the future

For humanity

For you!

This is not

My most inspired moment

 

No matter how hard you try

No matter how hopeful you are

It is just not possible

To try anything

To do anything

To become anything

I always ruin it all

In less than a minute

This is not

My most inspired moment

 

 

Everywhere I go I cause a panic

 

I am so tired

To cause so many heart attacks

Everywhere I go

Just by being me

You would have thought by now

There was nothing new under the sun

There would be no need

To jump to a panic state

As soon as I open my mouth

And say something

As soon as I raise my hands

And do something

You feel threaten

You feel the need to shut me down

Frankly!

Get a life!

Get out a bit more

Experience a bit more

See people for what they are

See the world for what it is

There is no need for alarm

Thatís just life

Calm down

Just accept it

This is how we are

This is how it is

We cannot change our nature

Just like you canít change yours

Better open your eyes

Move away from your comfort zone

See people for what they are

See the world for what it is

Then and only then

You will see

That thereís no need

To panic

Iím not gonna kill ya

Though I thought about it many times

You better not voice that you wish to kill me

Because then

There will be a real panic

And no one will be able

To control me

 

 

I have that right!

 

I think

I just canít pretend anymore

My heart is just not in it

I can no longer lie

Like I used to

I can no longer remain silent

Like I used to

I can no longer keep my mouth shut!

Like I used to

 

From your point of view

It may seem

Like I never shut up

Iím telling you

Iím just beginning

And it will hurt!

Now I am awake!

 

I will no longer

Listen to you

I will no longer

Do what you ask

No more will I work so hard

For no recognition

No more will I work so hard

For no reward

My heart is just

Not in it anymore

 

I had enough

Of whatever you do

I had enough

Of all that you represent

I had enough

Of you

Iím done!

My heart is no longer in it

 

Go away!

Just disappear from my life!

I never want to see the like of you ever again!

I will tell you what I think

Every time

And suffer the consequences

And those consequences

Will mean my liberty

 

I think

My heart is still in it

Itís just not

In anything that concerns you

I have that right

To refuse

To do anything you ask of me

I have that right

To refuse

To see you

I have the right

To walk right through you

I have the right

To walk to my freedom

So fuck off!

 

 

Are there any drugs left in this house?

 

Iím getting desperate

Iím scratching the walls

Iím singing

Iím shouting

At the top of my lungs

The delirium of the millennium

Iím gonna do something

Iím gonna do

Something insane!

And just die

Of an overdose

Right afterÖ

What a way to live!

 

Are there any drugs left in this house?

Iím gonna get trashed!

So off my head!

I do not expect to survive

 

Iíve reached the point

Where I could not care

About anything or anyone

Left with one desire only

The one to live

Just that

How simple that desire is

I cannot understand

How difficult

Complicated

It can be

To understand!

What a way to live!

 

Are there any drugs left in this house?

Iím gonna get trashed!

So off my head!

I do not expect to survive

 

I cannot see any hope

Over the horizon

I do not see a way out

Happiness

Donít know

Must belong to the disciples

Of Jesus-Christ

Or Allah

One or the other

I will feel content

Tonight

That those disciples

Will lead a happy life

And die happy

What a way to live!

Are there any drugs left in this house?

Iím gonna get trashed!

So off my head!

I do not expect to survive

 

I can only blame you

I will have no regrets

Because this is not a way to live

In fact

I reviewed all the possible ways to live

I rejected them all

I suppose you just didnít have the imagination

The creativity

That was required

In order to make of this life

Something liveable

So why should I care?

About anything or anyone?

Please tell me!

What a way to live!

 

Are there any drugs left in this house?

Iím gonna get trashed!

So off my head!

I do not want to survive!

 

And why should I?

 

 

Itís the end of the world

 

I am too sensitive a soul

Everything that happens

Has such an impact upon my life

The smallest detail

The smallest event

I feel it to the core

It means everything

Itís the end of a world

 

I am too sensitive a soul

For this world

I feel too much

I care too much

It hits me in the heart

So deeply

Whether I want it or not

It kills me

There is nothing I can do about it

 

I am too sensitive a soul

I wish I could be desensitised

I wish I would not care!

That I could free myself

From the problems of humanity!

Stop!

Stop creating chaos for no reason!

Free me!

Because for me

It means everything

Itís the end of a world

 

I am too sensitive a soul

I need to be cured

I will find a cure

I will rid myself of all of you

I will feel nothing

Sedated as I will be

I will feel nothing

As I will disconnect myself

Because for me

It means everything

There is nothing I can do about it

 

This is how deeply I feel

Itís the end of the world

 

 

What else could I do to destroy you?

 

Youíre a fucking hard bitch

It is hard to scandalise you

And yet I am trying very hard

To send you overboard

So you will just lose it completely

And perhaps

Never return

 

I have broken hardest bitches than you

Youíre but a pale comparison

You feel strong and in control

You have seen nothing yet

Iíll break ya, you will go mad

And perhaps

Never return

 

I care nothing for you

You are fat

You are weak

Youíre an idiot

Iíll send you packing, you will be defeated

And perhaps

Never return

 

I have decades of experience

At breaking bitches

Often they only realise it after Iím gone

In your case, Iíll be there

To enjoy while you suffer and break down

And perhaps

Never return

 

You have met your master

You are but the smallest Master Bitch I have ever met

You will be easy to demolish, to deflate

Just watch me go, I will enjoy it

You will leave with the hardest headache

And perhaps

Never return

 

This is my vendetta

Against all the Master Bitches

Of this world

I will destroy you all

You will cry your heart out

And definitely

Never return!

 

You have met your Master!

Iíll show you just how weak you are

I will obliterate you!

Again and again!

Fucking master bitches!

You will

Never return!

 

 

Why?

 

Why would I want to be happy?

When all my life

I have been anything but happy?

By now

I revel in unhappiness

It has given me

A reason to exist

I am the King

Of the unhappy people

I roll myself in it

I just love it

I cannot change now

It is impossible

Why?

 

Why would I want to be happy?

When I have built my nest

In such unhappiness

When everything that I am

Is unhappiness?

When finally

I can only be happy

In my unhappiness?

Now you understand

I can no longer change my nature

Why?

 

Why would I want to be happy?

There is no point now

There is no motivation anymore

I have found a way

To be happy

In my unhappiness

Trying to change my nature

Only hurts

I can no longer change

I do not want to change

And this is so sad

Why?

 

The best things happen to me

The greatest events one could hope for

It is everything anyone dreams of

I finally have full control over my existence

I finally have full freedom

I do not have to suffer anyone

I do not have to suffer anything

I do not suffer anymore

I am free to roam the world

To do whatever I want

Whenever I want

I am free!

And yet

I am unhappy

Because I cannot change my nature

Why?

 

No matter what now

No matter how happy this life can be

No matter how rich I become

No matter how free I feel

It is too late for me

I will never find happiness

Why?

 

I hope you still can

Find happiness

And when it happens

I hope you still can

Feel happiness

I can no longer

Feel anything

And this is sad

Why?

 

Wait!

I can feel something!

I can feel such detachment

From anything that exists

I can laugh at everything

No longer can I take anything seriously

Nothing actually really exists

I am out of this world

I am out of my mind

I cannot feel anything

I cannot be happy

But there is a very good reason for that

None of this truly existed anyway in the first place

So why would I want to be happy now?

There is absolutely no reason

For me to be happy

And I do know why

I am alone in this world I created

After such a fallacy

Might as well drink myself to death

Without any more question why

 

No wonder we were never made aware

As soon as you become aware

You realise how inexistent

This universe is

How immaterial

You are

Why!

 

Why indeed

 

 

Iím just about ready to kill myself

 

Thatís it

Iíve lost it

I am crying

Everything there is to cry

Once again

Long past the point of no return

Thereís no coming back

How could I once again

Save myself

From this?

How?

And do I even want to?

I am just about ready to kill myself

 

Oh!

I wanted so much from life!

There was so much I wanted to accomplish!

Many places to go

Many people to meet

Many conversations to have

Filled with desire

Filled with expectations

A whole world to see

A whole world to learn from

It could have been

The journey of a lifetime

It could have been

The realisation of a life dream

And, but

I am just about ready to kill myself

 

I donít know what went wrong

Iím not sure who to blame

What to blame

I just can see

How this existence

Has been reduced to nothing

No hope whatsoever

When it could have been

Everything!

 

I am just about ready

To give it all up

And to start

Living!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

Even if I have to die trying

 

Do I need to say more?

Is this not your deepest desire?

Perhaps wishing for happiness along the way

Some peace

Some great feeling of well being

To top it all up?

 

The freedom

To do whatever you want

Whenever you want

Such a high price to pay

To even exist

Should not even exist

You are free!

From the day you were born

You are free!

From this moment

You are free!

Right now!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

Even if I have to die trying

 

Such a desire to live!

Such a wish to exist!

Bring it all up!

I am ready!

You are ready!

We are ready!

To welcome it

To welcome anything

To break this routine

To break this loop

No longer will it be the same!

We will finally experience

All that this life has to offer!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

Even if I have to die trying

 

Get outside right now

Look at the sky

Look at the stars

Look far over the horizon

It is all there awaiting you

Just wish for it

Express what you want

Ask for it!

Right now!

Nothing matters anymore!

Nothing exists anymore!

Just you

Just the universe

Just your creation

What do you want of this life?

What do you want of this universe?

It is all yours

It is all your own creation

Go for it!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

Even if I have to die trying

 

I am mad

Completely mad

You are sane

Completely sane

I live all over the universe

I created the whole universe

So

You better get mad soon

You better start creating your own universe

You better start

Living all over the universe!

 

That is it

I have said it all

There is nothing else for me to say

I have told you

You understood

You know what you have to do

Get out there

Create the experience you truly wish for

Create the world you always dreamt of

Just wish it

Believe it

See it happening

Thatís it

Thatís all

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

Even if I have to die trying

 

I am free!

I am happy!

I am peaceful!

I am out of reach!

This reality, I created it

This experience, I wished for it

But now

I am going to wish for so much more

I am going to start living for real

I am going to create the world I want to live in

And you will do just the same

And this will revolutionise everything!

 

I will motivate a whole planet!

To break free!

To find absolute freedom!

And I will succeed

 

We will succeed!

 

 

I feel great! How do you feel?

 

I feel all awe inspired

I am no longer touching the ground

I am no longer within this reality

I feel great!

How do you feel?

 

I am so disconnected

I do not believe anything could reach me

The little problems of humanity?

Pfff!

How do you feel?

 

No, I am not on drugs

No, I am not under the influence of alcohol

No, I just see everything so differently

I feel great!

How do you feel?

 

I feel so free right now

Despite everything going on

I am so unconcerned with the problems of the world

I canít even describe how I feel

How do you feel?

 

I feel disconnected enough

I feel I created this world

I certainly re-created it in my mind

And somehow it becomes reality

How do you feel?

 

I am far gone

And yet I feel I am right

I believe what I am telling myself

How can I be wrong when I feel so great!

How do you feel?

 

This world becomes what I think

What I want comes to pass

I am in total control of destiny

Somehow, this is weird, this is depressing

How do you feel?

 

I feel great!

Sometimes

I feel like committing suicide

How can you explain this?

How do you feel?

 

I cannot explain this universe

I cannot identify the laws of nature

I am at a total loss

I feel miserable and great all at the same time

How do you feel?

 

Do you understand anything about this world?

Do you understand anything?

About the mechanics of existence?

I feel awful, because I still understand nothing

How do you feel?

 

If you feel like you understand this universe

If you feel like you understand what life is all about

If you feel like you understand everything

That you have somehow a better understanding than most

How do you feel?

 

Being a visionary

I feel great

I feel lost

I feel nothing

How do you feel?

 

 

You have no idea the life I am leading

 

You have no idea, do you?

Of the life I am leading

Behind your back

You think I go back to you

Every day

Having lived nothing

Having experienced nothing

As if I was dead

As soon as I am outside of your sight

You have no idea

 

I go all around the world

At least three times

Before you see me again

I have experienced all

That this world has to offer

Seen everything there is to see

Imagined everything that can be

Before you can control me once again

For this so limited amount of time

And yet

You think this is what my existence

Is limited to

You have no idea

 

To tell you

How insignificant you are

Whilst you think

That my whole life is resumed to you

And the little power you have over me

That I fight every singe day

You are well aware of that

And though I live so much

I feel you live so little

Because I cannot see

How anymore your life could be

But these little struggles

This little power you have over me

That you enjoy so much

It takes over your whole life

And yet

 

You have no idea

The life I am leading

Outside of your little burst out bubble

So far away I am

So far away do I exist

So much I accomplish

Outside of it all

Outside of your power trip

Outside all that this world is to you

That I feel

I live

And you forgot to live

 

You have no idea

The life I am leading

 

I do know though the life you are leading

It is a very miserable one indeed

 

You have no idea

 

 

I have the right to exist!

 

It means nothing to you

It means everything to me

 

Yes!

It does mean everything to me!

Why canít you understand?

Why canít you leave me alone?

I made it clear

I told you in no uncertain terms

Let it be!

Let me be!

I have the right to live!

I have the right to exist!

 

It means nothing to you

It means everything to me

 

What powers you

To constantly bug me?

To impose yourself in such a fashion into my life?

When all I tried to do

Is to shut you off completely?

Will I never succeed?

To free myself of this world?

Of everything you are and represent?

 

It means nothing to you!

It means everything to me!

 

What do I have to do?

To clean up this world of the likes of you?

To eradicate this annoyance

That is you?

You feel only you exist within this world

Well

I have some news for you

It is quite the opposite

Only me exist in this world

In this world of mine

I cannot even begin to understand

Why I would let you in

Why I would give you any time

Why I would let myself be so disturbed

By whatever you decide to do

 

It means nothing to you

It means everything to me

 

I will stop you right there in your track

I will make you understand

Of how unnecessary all that you do
Or try to achieve

Is superfluous

Not needed

Not required

Not wanted

You will see how you have become

Just but a hindrance

A nuisance

Which is quickly becoming

Alarmingly

Much more than that

And I cannot accept it

 

It means nothing to you

It means everything to me

 

If you cannot understand how

I can wish such little freedom I am asking for

If you cannot get the message

That I desperately need that little freedom I am allowed

I will have to make you understand somehow

I will have to lead a revolution if necessary

Be it a civil war

But you will understand

You will get the message

You will leave me alone

 

It means nothing to you

It means everything to me

 

The sooner you get that

The better we will be

 

Let it be!

Let me be!

I have the right to live!

I have the right to exist!

 

 

You just donít care, you have to go

 

Well

I guess

You just donít care

So

Why should I care?

Well

I donít

 

Whatever you say

Whatever you do

I donít care

Be my guest

Go about the world

Talk and talk and talk

About the world

It seems

You were born for it

To talk and talk and talk

About the world

You could convince anyone

That whatever we are doing

Is simply

The way to go

Is simply

Just right

 

I guess you just donít care

So

Why should we care?

Well

We donít

 

Whatever you say

Whatever you do

We donít care

We are all way too busy

With our own little

Insignificant existence

To pay attention to anything you do

You take it as validation

I tell you

I take it as suicidal

You donít hear a squeak

No one is telling you

That you are about to fall flat on your face

And yet

You are about to fall flat on your face

 

I guess you just donít care

So why

Should we care?

Well

We do

 

I would not even trust myself with such decisions

And yet you do trust yourself with such decisions

I would not trust anyone with such decisions

And yet we do trust someone, anyone, with these decisions

What has this world come to?

We cannot trust anyone

And yet

Someone is going ahead with all these decisions

I wouldnít trust myself

Therefore

We can trust no one

 

I guess you just donít care

So why

Should I care?

Well

I do

 

First of all

You need to go

I donít want to hear about you ever again

You have been there way too long

Probably because you are such a good speaker

You could get yourself out of anything

And yet bring this world to an end

Out! Out! Out!

 

I guess you just donít care

But I do

 

Let me think about this

Let us think about this

Let me reconsider whatís happening

Let us reconsider what we should do

Never mind what happened before

Seems to me that it was all fabricated anyway

I never trusted you, rightly so

Let us stop for a second

To consider whatís happening

And where itís leading

What to do

Someone has to stop you

 

I guess you just donít care

But we do

 

Thatís not what I want

Thatís not what we want

I want to do what I want

We want to do what we want

 

I guess you just donít care

But we do

And we will do what we want

Not what you want

 

So you may not care

But we do

So you have to go

Out! Out! Out!

 

 

We are no parrots!

 

I find it so funny

That you finally look into a mirror

And cannot even recognise

That this reflection

It is yourself

 

You are just like a parrot

A bird that seems highly intelligent

Who can talk

Especially repeat what he hears

And yet

Will never make any sense of what he hears

Could not even look into a mirror

And understand that this reflection

It is himself

 

Over and over again

All over again

No matter how many times

I show him the mirror

He will never understand

That this reflection

It is him and no one else

Hello! Hello!

He will repeat

To this new comer unto the scene

And that newcomer

Is the perfect reflection of himself

As it is himself!

 

Is it you?

This reflection in the mirror?

Can you recognise yourself?

I got the feeling

That when you were listening to yourself

Watching yourself from afar

You could not recognise who that was

Can you look so bad?

Can you be that bad?

Is this me?

Is this myself?

Never would have I thought I was like that

And yet

This is me, this is you

This reflection in the mirror

It is ourselves

 

We can no longer deny it

We can no longer hide

We have reached that stage in our development

We should have reached that stage in our development

That we can recognise this reflection in the mirror

It is ourselves

 

Are we not more intelligent than parrots?

Canít we look into a mirror and realise it is us?

Canít we have our own opinions about things?

Canít we decide where this world is going?

 

You have opinions!

You are not a parrot!

Voice your opinions!

 

No way should you hear something

And just repeat it endlessly

You are no parrot!

 

You are not a weak mind

You can think for yourself

You can express an opinion

Come on!

Tell us!

What do you think?

Forget everything you heard before!

You are more intelligent than that!

I donít want to hear what someone else said about it!

What do you think?

Tell me! Tell us!

Donít you have an opinion for yourself?

Canít you make up something all by yourself?

Do you have to be a parrot?

Come on!

Break out!

Break free!

Express yourself!

You do exist!

You do exist independently from anyone else!

There is no need to repeat what everyone else says

Take control over your life!

 

So

Is this you?

This reflection in the mirror?

I sure hope not!

As it looks nothing like you!

 

I just hope you will realise this

And finally make up your own mind

And tell us your own opinions from deep down inside of you

 

I am no parrot

I know that

 

You are no parrot

Remember that

 

We are no parrots

And now letís find out who we truly are

 

 

No one will ever understand you

 

I donít understand!

I am on such a mission

To change the whole world

For the better

And yet

Everyone

Is just about trying their best

To stop me in my endeavour

As if it was so damn important

To stop me in myÖ

 

Could not even finish the sentence

And then again

This world felt the need to stop me

From stating something

How ever insignificant

 

It is so hard

It is so hard to try to feel anything

So hard to even express anything

So hard to get heard

So hard to live

 

Iím not sure

Is it possible at all?

To exist?

To be someone?

To make some sort of contribution?

Without being a machine?

I donít know

I feel

We are that dehumanised

It may be impossible

 

It seems to me

Everyone has become

Spinning tops

Spinning from A to B

And then spinning back from B to A

Forever and ever

Without even realising it

 

Oh so sad

That so many people

Can be lost

In such a meaningless dance

Yet I cannot deny it

So many people are just spinning tops

That I have met so many within my life

Tells me

The whole world is filled with spinning tops

Spinning from A to B

And immediately

From B to A

Forever

Without realising

 

It is not surprising then

How such spinning tops

Could never understand

Anything about you

They are useless

They are lost to the world

Incapable of even having a life

And yet

So badly they want to control your existence

And sure enough

Whatever they say

Is meaningless

They are out of this world

 

But you are not

You do exist

God knows where they exist

You do have this capacity to think

They donít seem to

You can create something

They canít

The art of ignoring them

The art of ignoring the spinning tops

Is getting harder and harder

And yet

It has to be done

You need to find a way out

You need to make them disappear from your life

 

No one can understand you

Because everyone is just

But a spinning top

 

I realise how ridiculous this sounds

But I have witnessed this too many times before

It must be true

And if it is true in my life

Iím sure it is in yours

 

Well then

Now that you know that everyone else

That everyone in your life

Is just but a drone spinning away their whole existence

Iím sure you feel that they donít matter much

You are free!

You do not need anyone to understand you

There is no need for anyone to understand you

In order to start living a great life

The life you were meant to live

Do not be stopped by spinning tops

How ridiculous that would be

How sad

 

No one ever understood me

I ignored them all

I went on to live my life

I donít regret anything

But dear me

How would I regret it now

If I had listened to these spinning tops

 

I wonder now if there was any life in them

If even a spark existed in their life

Of course they could never have understood me

I donít think they even had that capacity to understand

So hollow and empty they were

So devoid of any kind of passion or dream

Frankly

If this universe truly wanted me to believe they even existed

It could have tried harder

As it was so obvious to me

That they were all spinning tops

They only existed in order to spark up something within me

And all they were capable of

Is to annoy me, get me angry

As I could not understand

How people, real people, could be so limited in every way

That their existence could only be so absolutely meaningless

These people have no life

They were never meant to have one

Simply because they are virtual

They donít really exist

This is why they can be spinning tops

And yet

You could be blind to that fact

It might puzzle you

But if you are clever enough

You realise they simply do not exist

 

No one will ever understand you

No one was ever meant to understand you

It does not matter

Get over it and move on

You still have a life to live

You still have a world to explore

You still have something to learn

You still have a life to fulfil

 

The sooner you get rid of the spinning tops in your life

The better you will feel

You will then meet more spinning tops

And the faster you can identify them

The faster you will move on

To something else

To something better

To something finally satisfying

That can truly bring something concrete into your life

 

No one will ever understand you

It was not meant to be

Do not be stopped by it

Just go on and live your life

Find happiness or whatever it is that you are looking for

Just continue to create the world as you go along

As this is the only meaning you can give to your own existence

 

 

Absolute elation in my own illusions

 

I am finally happy

Complete feeling of elation

Total freedom

In this entire illusion

I have created

 

And yet

If this is what is required

For me to build something out of this world

All within my own mind

I donít see whatís wrong with this image

Letís create away this great illusion!

 

Never have I felt so peaceful

So filled with creation

I would not even say I am lost

I would not say I am delusional

And yet

I can tell you

I am far away from here

From anything you were ever capable of teaching me

 

I feel powerful

I feel free

I feel abundance

As if there was no limit set upon this world

 

I am flying away so fast

Out of here

Reaching such universes

Never would you have suspected they existed

But they do, in my mind

 

Learning to live within oneís mind

Is the only lesson worth learning

From that comes

Absolute freedom

Absolute elation

 

I feel it!

I feel wonderful!

So free I am!

So peaceful!

No words could describe how I feel

 

And yet

There is intelligence

It is base on some sort of logic

I can understand

I am still here, I am still me

But somehow I wonder

So powerful

So easy it is

To disconnect

To live in oneís mind

To re-invent a world of emotions

A world of feelings

A world of dreams

To create to infinity

All those worlds we have inside of us

Without ever suspecting

How far we could bring it all

 

My illusions

My delusion

Is all I have left

Believe me

I will explore this dream world

As far as I can go

Because only through it all

Can I find a purpose to my existence

A reason to exist

 

It makes no sense

No logic

Unreasonable

Out of this world

And yet

I canít explain it

I feel elated

So elated

In my world of illusions

Never suspected

I could so simply condition myself

Convince myself

That everything was great within this world

And so firmly believe it

 

I walk on the street

I feel so much joy

I look at the sky

I was just born

I just exist

I am filled with energy

And this energy

Creates the very world I live in

The very illusion of my existence

And it fulfils me no end

Never have I felt so free

 

What drugs am I on?

Donít you just wish you could get the same?

Iím afraid

This is all whilst being clean

I was never dirty to begin with

And yet

I managed to still create

My very own world of illusion

Where nowhere else will I ever feel such

A world of absolute elation

 

 

Despite anything you will live

 

As long as you can see the irony

As long as you can turn it to derision

As long as you can make it meaningful

As long as you can get creative about it

Despite anything you will live

 

Only if you take life so seriously

Only if you feel that trapped within your own walls

Only if you can no longer see whatís funny about it

Only if they convince you

Only then you cannot live

 

See the world for what it is!

You created this place in the first place

Only you could get yourself incarcerated

Lose your freedom

When you felt like having an orgy

 

Life is not so serious

Nothing is that important

You can always tell them to get lost

You can always move on

Letís see, oh, so much to choose from

 

I am looking for no trouble

I was just looking around

You know, there is something out there

Let me see it, let me reach it

Ah! So this is what there was out here

 

Not living me satisfied

Not enough

I need to see more

I need to invent more

Letís see whatís over there

 

Will always survive

Anything and everything

Nothing is that important

That it could take over oneís life

Free to wonder around and to laugh at everything

 

Nothing is worth that much attention

No idea, no concept can stop anyone

You can always wish it away

Be somewhere else in your mind

Despite anything

 

You will live

 

 

You are beyond anything that ever was

 

Letís face it

Letís understand this

So far reaching are your thoughts

So out there is what you are creating

You are out of reach

Reaching new grounds

You are beyond

Anything that ever was

 

Such a great feeling inside

When one can reach so far

Out of bounds

Beyond any frontier

As if none ever existed

All over the world!

It is grand

It is grandiose

I feel I have reached it

You are now reaching it

You cannot doubt it

Such brilliance

Believe me

It kills me

 

You are beyond anything that ever was

Because you can no longer identify

With anything that exists

I wonder where you are now

 

Beyond!

Somewhere else!

Feeling something else

You did not know you could feel!

This is what this is all about!

There for all to see

This unique creation!

 

You are

Beyond anything

That ever existed

As soon as you can feel it

 

You are beyond anything that ever existed

As soon as you can feel it inside

Nothing else matters

 

Beyond anything that ever existed

Nothing else matters

 

You are beyond anything that ever was

You feel it inside

Donít let anyone tell you otherwise

You will always know better than anyone else

As soon as you feel it inside

 

You are beyond anything that ever was!

 

 

Is this real or what?

 

If I knew how real this existence was

I wouldnít feel the need to ask

And yet I do

Just like you do

 

Does it really matter?

How real it all feels?

Can I feel it?

Can I touch it?

Can I even taste it?

I certainly canít anymore

 

You do start to believe yourself at some point

You do start believing anything

If it was not so

Then

Nothing would exist

 

Is this not what you are afraid of?

Is this not what I am afraid of?

That nothing truly exists?

 

I

I donít

I barely believe so

Iím no longer sure

Maybe nothing exists

 

So is this for real or what?

Ah!

Certainly not

It was never meant to be for real

As nothing seems to be real anyway

 

I make it all up as I go along

Just like my life

I make it all up as I go along

Thank God!

I do have a strong imagination

 

I have seen so much!

I have experienced so much!

And yet

This is just the beginning

It has to be

Iím not ready to die any time soon

 

How real is this?

As real as it seems

Not very convincing

I agree

I bet I could have come up with something better

And yet

It is convincing indeed

Almost convinced me

Almost

But not quite

 

I have seen too much

I have experienced too much

I can no longer be fooled so easily

No!

Nothing truly matters anymore!

This is the price to pay for understanding

And yet

My God!

It does open up such a world in front of me!

There is no limit to what I can accomplish!

 

True that none of this matters anymore

And yet

I have so much to see

I have so much to explore

So much to sacrifice perhaps

But who cares now about that?

No one!

Such a small price to pay!

To get out of oneís life!

And live everything there is to live!

I am sorry

Never could I ever regret anything

 

How real is this?

I will tell you

As real as it can be

As real as you will let it be

As real as I can feel it

This is as real as it will ever get

Because I will not let it go

I will cling to it

I will attach myself to it

I will breathe this air again

I will live as much as I fell I need to

I will not let it go!

I will not bypass it!

I will live it!

I will live!

 

This is how real this is to me

 

 

The last taste of freedom

 

I donít really expect you to understand

What the last taste of freedom is

You would first need to have experienced freedom

And you never did

 

No one has ever tasted freedom

Because you can only realise

What freedom is

The day you lose it

 

What most people donít understand

Is how easy it is to lose freedom

That it can happen on any day at any time

So fast, you will never know what you had

 

But then you will get into this reality

You will understand what freedom is

And from now on

Only in your mind will freedom ever exist

 

I donít expect you to understand

It is such a complicated thing

And yet such a basic thing

Freedom, this is all we are all about

 

I donít expect you to understand

I donít even understand why

Why such a concept can be so meaningless to you

Then again, you have never lived before

 

I do not have to worry though

You will one day understand that concept

You will one day only live for that concept

It will then only be in your mind, it will be your escape

 

The last taste of freedom

Is already past

No more will there ever be such an idea

But in our minds

 

I donít really expect you to understand

What the last taste of freedom is

You would first need to have experienced freedom

And you never did

 

But you are about to

And soon thereafter

It will be gone forever

Only if you let go, so donít

 

 

Life is like a Martini

 

A few years ago

I went on holiday in the Canary Islands

I was so excited!

I stayed in the best luxurious hotel by the sea

That seemed to have sprouted out

Right from the middle of the desert

Visited a few zoos

Seen many parrots and other weird animals

Admired the palm trees and the view

Had great sex three times a day

With my partner I might add

A miracle in itself

Rented a car and visited the whole island

Went to the top of the highest mountain

Climbing over the fog

The snow felt great

Then I went to the bar

Won a drink, any drink

In such a perfect moment

I thought

Letís order something I always wanted to try

Iíll have a Martini!

Oh!

It was so beautiful a drink

A huge weirdly shaped glass

Carved on the spot for me no doubt

All those decorations

Someone had put a lot of thought and love into this thing

The olive

So out of place

Looked like it belong there somehow

I thought I was in paradise

Should I drink it? I wondered

It would be such a shame

As this Martini

At this very moment in time

Is the finest thing I have ever seen

Letís have a sip at least! I thought

And I did

And it was so disgusting

I thought I was going to die

I was so perplexed

How can something so beautiful

Just like life can be sometimes

Can be so nauseating?

 

A Martini is a beautiful thing

A shame it is just revolting

 

 

When being gay is fashionable

 

I miss those days

Of when people found out

You were gay

It was such a juicy gossip

The news could reach everyone

Within a whole building

Within five minutes

The news could reach youíre extended family

All five hundred of them

All over the planet

Within an hour

People looked at you so suddenly

In such a different light

Wow! I would never have thought!

This is so weird!

Poor kid, his life is ruined

Look at this freak of nature!

How can God mess things up like this?

I donít know what to do

I donít know what to say

Better avoid the issue altogether

Letís pretend

That the monster does not exist in our midst

 

I miss those days

Of when being gay

Was a whole statement about life

All by itself

It didnít seem there was anything to say

You just made the biggest impact

On everyone around you

That you could ever make

And yet

It was all just by

Being yourself

What a statement!

What an achievement!

Yes!

I am a freak of nature!

Nature made me!

God made me in his image!

I am your new found nightmare!

So aberrant, offending, criminal, sickening

How dare I?

To be who I am?

I should be shot right here right now!

And that is all I always wanted anyway

So please, please, please!

Go ahead!

Put me in a concentration camp!

Burn me alive in the oven!

Letís forget I ever existed!

 

I miss those days

When by just being gay

I could be so provocative

Turn your whole existence upside down

Send to hell

All your beliefs

All your values

Youíre whole way of life

Frightening you to death

Panic all over the place

Just by being me

Just by existing

God knows what I could do

God knows what sort of disease I might have

Who knows how I could screw up

The mind of your lovely children

Can I annihilate you?

Just by looking at you?

I bet I can

Iím sure I can!

Well

Maybe I canít

Anymore

Doesnít matter

That is what being gay was all about

Being marginal

Different

It would frighten people to death

It would challenge everything they believed in

It would prompt them

To do the worst things anyone thought

A human being could do

It made me so special!

It filled me with joy

Just watching you go absolutely mad

At this simple idea

That I wanted to fuck you

Instead of the bitch next to you

That you always wanted to fuck

But never succeeded despite your many attempts

Whilst all she wanted was for me to fuck her

And of course I couldnít

I wanted to fuck you!

Dear dear dear

I should be shot for this!

 

I miss those days

Where no artist would ever admit

Of being homosexual

Such a disease

Because it would mean the end of their career

No matter how successful it had been up until now

Today

All artists seem to be bisexual

Or at least asexual

So fashionable it is to be gay these days

You could not cling to the top

If people knew you were straight

If people knew you were boring to death

Had nothing special or different about you

And oh

The big killer

If they knew you were married

Had children

And had a fucking wife shouting at you

To clean the damn dishes

And change the nappies

Yawn!

Let me shoot myself right now!

Is that what I admired so much?

Is this the man who speaks such words?

Who created all of this?

But how can he?

He is straight isnít he?

By definition

That man cannot have any brain

No creativity whatsoever

And yetÖ

Could it be?

That he is nothing special

And yet, could reach me in such a way?

I wonder

Must be an impostor

Must be a fraud

Yes, all that, and much worse

They robbed me of my identity

Being gay now is like being like everyone else

Weíre all gay now!

To the last one of us

 

I miss those days

Where not everyone

Was pretending

To be gay

Just so people could appreciate them

Think they were special

So creative

So perfect

And fall in love with everything they do

Embrace it as if this was everything

This world was asking for and needed

That now

If youíre not gay

You cannot make it

You will not make it

So if youíre not

Better pretend that you are

Live this shameful existence

Of hiding who you truly are

Just a plain straight guy

Like so many billion others

With nothing to offer anyone

With this perception that you are but useless

And incapable of anything creative

Or worthy of attention

 

I can no longer miss those days

This changes everything

Now, to be provocative

To shock you

To be special and different

I will have to pretend

That I am straight

Married with kids

That I clean the dishes

That I change nappies

Drugs?

I donít know anything about it

Alcohol?

I donít know anything about it

Cigarettes?

Oh my God!

I certainly donít know anything about it!

I see no other possible way

For me

To be

What I crave so much

To be

The Marginal

I will have to revert to being a pussy

A straight pussy of a man

Leaving the whole world

In complete indifference

Then

I wonít miss those days

Because this is now what is

Shocking

This is now what is

Provocative

This is now what is ought to be

Fashionable

 

What a statement!

 

 

The angel of destruction

 

I had a hard look at you

Once set free

Youíve got wings

You can fly

You can talk

You are as free as the air

I finally connected the dots

You must be an angel!

 

I had a hard look at you

Such blinding colours!

That white, it is so white!

That black, it is so black!

That no monitor could ever display

We just donít have the technology

I finally understand

You must be an angel!

 

I had a hard look at you

You are so lovely

You are so lively

So much love you require

So much love you give

You bright up the whole area

You made it your own instantly

Took such an important place

You have absolutely no predator

You would eat anyone alive

You are that powerful

Nothing can kill you

You will live long past my death

Yet you were born yesterday

Yet you act like you own the world

I know now

You are an angel

 

I had a hard look at you

Why do you need to obliterate

Everything that you come across?

Why is it that your only purpose in life

Is to shout at the top of your lungs

Alienate us all

Be so out of control

Jump everywhere

Shit on everything

Shit on me!

And they call me a freak of nature

It makes sense

You are the angel of destruction

 

I had a hard look at you

I suppose

If no one can tell

If you are a man or a woman

You sure must feel

Only attracted to yourself

Who is this great looking angel?

When I look in the mirror?

Letís tear it down

Just like I abolished everything else around here

I get it

You are the angel of destruction!

 

You will destroy us all

But youíre such an angel

You are so attractive

So loveable

We let you do it

With a big smile on our face

Whilst everything around us

Crumbles to dust

 

With no predator whatsoever

You will annihilate us all

Just like this pretend democracy

The angel of destruction

 

 

Eternal ideas

 

Whatever is eternal

Whatever can tell so much

In so little words

Which come so effortlessly

You just know

Will go across history

 

Who could call up such eternity?

Who could command it and it would come?

Who could programme it and it would become?

No one

No one is that bright

It must just happen

It just happens!

 

Such eternal ideas

Such genius

Just happens!

 

You see it everywhere

What has long gone to pass

Into everything that we are

Such ideas

Such eternal ideas

At the core of one humanity

Are all that we are all about

It is us

It becomes us

Such ideas

Are not thought by the masses

They are thought by one person

And yet

They become everything we are

 

Who could plan this?

Who could invent it?

Who could market it?

No one

No one could

It must just happen

It just happens!

 

Such eternal ideas

Such genius

Just happens!

 

If you can drink enough alcohol

If you can sniff enough dope

If you can inject enough heroin in there

For it to happen

Then by all means

Drink yourself to death

Sniff yourself to death

Inject yourself to death

And make it happen!

Create eternity!

 

Such eternal ideas

Are they not just all but the same anyway?

Ah!

Iím desperately seeking something new

Preferably something not eternal

 

Eternal ideas

They will be the death of me

 

 

What is this all about?

 

All right

I get that much

You are a philosopher

You are talking about the existence

Something like that

Yes yes yes

Thank you

I know

Iím simple minded

I canít write

I cannot express myself

In any kind of meaningful way

Or in any language

I pretend to be a philosopher

I pretend to be an author

I pretend to write

Thatís fine

I donít give a shit

Because it suits me

It makes me happy

I would not have it any other way

 

I read what you wrote

I really invested myself within it

You have no excuse

I have all those degrees as well

I have studied all that you have studied

In all those universities

I have read all those authors

Just like you did

Somehow

I have become who I am

You have become who you are

I am simple minded

You are a monster of intellectuality

To the point

That even myself

With all my degrees

Do not understand what you are talking about

 

Isnít it the problem?

When you start talking like an encyclopaedia

One will need an encyclopaedia to understand you?

If he or she can even be bothered?

Even with all those degrees

From all those universities?

 

When you start using all those words

Iím afraid

You can only become meaningless

You end up saying nothing

You are unreachable man!

No one can understand you

 

Do you have something to prove?

And to whom?

You should only have one thing to prove

And whatever that is

It should only be

To yourself

This is the wisest thing you will ever hear

 

I suggest

Before you start writing

Open up a bottle

Drink it

Then maybe

Just maybe

You will make any sense

You will say something significant

That might actually change this world

 

 

Iím the queer, youíre the queen

 

Fuck!

What do you expect from me?

Really?

You thought I could fix the washing machine?

The super power shower that never worked?

The fish tank draining all over the carpet?

The cable every single cat peed on and that the bird ate?

What?

You think I am a man?

That I will fix the fridge and the oven for you?

And why not the whole electric box while we are at it?

Do you think I can build a new house?

Or go to war?

 

Iím just a queer!

I look good beside mindless celebrities

I say clever things socially whenever people get bored

I will save any evening from utter self-destruction

I will shine like no lemon ever shined

 

But I know nothing about plumbing!

I am no electrician!

I am not an engineer!

I am no soldier!

I cannot build a dog house!

 

Iím just a queer

I make millions creating things

All but in my own mind

I just make millions entertaining

Lost souls who donít know better

Iím just somehow recreating the world as I go along

Redefining all that we are all about

Giving the whole of humanity

A reason to exist

 

Do you expect me to re-construct the damn place?

Iím just a queer!

I am not capable of any of those things

I am just so much more capable

Of just about anything else

That you will never even realise

That I will always be for you

Just but a queer

 

Donít expect me to replace the light bulb

Or to rebuild the starter motor

Fuck the light bulb!

Fuck the starter motor!

Theyíve been broken for decades

No one was ever able to fix them properly

You expect me to fix them just like that?

By thought alone?

I will not fix them

But

You can expect just about anything else from me

 

Iím a queer after all

There is no limit

And now letís see what else I can accomplish

All but in my mind

I will re-create this world!

 

NoÖ

I will not pick up the dog shit

 

How so easily

You can bring me back

To such realities

Will always amaze me

 

Are you sure youíre a queer?

To me

You sound just like the queen

You can only bring constipation

To the whole world

 

Oh my

What a great contribution!

When for posterity

Your name

Will be synonym

Forever

Of

Constipation!

 

Iím not that sad

Iím just a queer

Iím incapable of anything

Just leave me alone

While you go on and rebuild this place

Which is just washing away

To hell

Such a great kingdom it was

Letís see if you can do better

Than a queer

My dear queen

 

 

One way or another, we will be free

 

For a second there

You really thought

You could stop me

By charging me

With all but nothing

Just invention

Just like it is

When living

Under such tyranny

 

At that last second

You wondered

What am I thinking?

Do I really want to go through with this?

Make such a precedent?

Enter this world

Where one simple thought

Can become such a danger

That it needs to be declared guilty by trial?

And sent to prison for eternity?

Might as well admit it then

What you truly are

As the prosecution

The almighty

Thought police

Which will bring order

A new order

A new world order

Of the such

Never seen before

 

There are only two ways a trial can crack

Either I change my plea from not guilty to guilty

Or you drop the case

Offering no evidence

Somehow you always wait till the very last second

Before the trial starts

Hoping I will change my plea to guilty

But you donít understand

You will never understand

Freedom cannot be negotiated

Rights cannot be negotiated

It leads to civil war

And you better believe it

We are ready for that

No matter how ready you think you are

You are not

History tells us that much

Humanity always prevails

Just push it a little bit further

And see what happens

 

You believe I am on trial

Humanity is on trial

And humanity cannot plead guilty

Humanity can only be right

 

There was only one way this trial would crack

It was for you to come forward

And admit that there was no evidence against humanity

You might have hurt me in the process

You might have hurt humanity in the process

It remains that

I am not guilty

Humanity is not guilty

We never were to begin with

You are guilty

And you will pay

 

Time to celebrate!

It is a cracked trial!

This is a new day!

I am free!

You are free!

We are all free!

Letís enjoy life!

Letís enjoy freedom!

The very one we thought we lost

 

We will never lose freedom

Because it can only lead to a cracked trial

If not then

Itís called a civil war

One way or another

We will be free

 

Just push it a little bit further

And see what happens

One way or another

We will be free

 

 

I sent her into a spin again

 

She bites

And she bites

And she bites again

And she will never let go

 

One comment

One word

One facial expression

One thought

Sends her into a spin

She will now

Talk to everyone

Call everyone

Organise a summit on the subject

Until I am totally and absolutely defeated

Until there is nothing left of me but my shame

Until I find myself thrown out on the street forever

 

She bites

And she bites

And she bites again

And she will never let go

 

Sometimes I wonder

Do I enjoy it?

Do I do it on purpose?

Can I just not help myself?

Such a desire of self-destruction

Such foolish actions I canít take back

I deserve everything thatís coming to me

Every time

Because I cannot be more intelligent than her

Because I cannot be more reasonable than her

Because I cannot be more than her

I must be brainless

 

She bites

And she bites

And she bites again

And she will never let go

 

One day this will have to end

Something will happen

Something will break

Someone will crack

One day this will be over

I will choose to walk away

She will choose for me to walk away

I will gain back my freedom

I just hope that before then

I will keep my dignity

I will keep my integrity

I will avoid doing something Iíll regret

One dayÖ

 

She bites

And she bites

And she bites again

And she will never let go

 

I sent her into a spin again

 

 

Love and Hate so much

 

Oh can I so

Show so much compassion

Oh can I so

Love so much

Oh can I so

Understand so completely

But oh so

Remain so insensitive

But oh so

Care so little

But oh so

Hate so much

 

At the same time

I feel for you

I pain for you

I ache for you

I love you

I pity you

I help you

I am here for you

 

At the same time

I feel for myself

I am in pain

I ache all over

I hate myself

I die in self-pity

I cannot help myself

No oneís here for me

 

I wish I could aid the planet

I canít even aid myself

I wish I could save the world

I am beyond saving myself

How can I transform this world

I canít even change my nature

Is there something I can do for you?

When thereís nothing I can do for myself?

 

If itís the same for everyone

And I feel itís the same for everyone

I wonder

If we are doomed

You have gone through so much

I have gone through so much

I wonder

If we are beyond hope

 

At the same time

Oh can I so

Love so much

But oh so

Hate so much

 

 

How desperate we are

 

Please

Let me move aside

So I do not stop your great ascension to the top

So you can get all that you truly always wanted

So you can have all the power ever to be

So you can become as rich as you always dreamt of

 

I was not aware

I did not understand up until now

I donít know what I was doing

I was in the way

I was stopping you

I was a threat

I hadnít realised how desperate you were

 

To be honest

I donít really care

You are quite welcome to be as desperate as you want

But when this ascension to the top

Is made at my expense and suffering

It is

When I have to get in the way

When I have to stop you

When I have to become a threat

When I have to destroy you

 

I am well aware now

I do understand

I know what I am doing

I am in the way

I will stop you

I am a threat

I will destroy you

 

I understand how desperate you are

Somehow

I donít think you are fit for this

I donít think you should get to the top

I think you are one of the worst kinds

That if you get there

We will all suffer for eternity

There will be a war

It will end in bloodshed

 

That is how desperate you are

And that is why

I need to be as desperate as you are

In preventing you

From amounting to anything

I think this city is looking for street cleaners

I think it would suit you very well

 

This is how desperate you are

To reach the top

This is how desperate I am

To prevent you from reaching it

 

Power should never be given

To the ones who want it

Power should be given to the ones

Who never request it

Power should be given to the ones

Who most deserve it

Then no one should stand in their way

This is how desperate we are

 

 

How powerful all this is

 

I donít think you understand

How powerful all this is

Iím not sure I was aware myself

How powerful all this is

 

Words

Ideas

It goes out there

It has its impact

It hits many people

A whole generation

And yet it was so personal

It was meant ultimately to hit only one

 

But it has power

It has energy

It has meaning

So much meaning

It can change someoneís life

And yet it is so elusive

So immaterial

You wonder if it exists at all

 

How can something

So inexistent

Becomes

Everything that exists?

 

I am cold

So cold

Facing this world

Unable to agree on anything

Which means anything

Is there anything that means anything?

 

How can there be so many

Unable to see

All that I see

All that I feel

All that I feel this world is

All that I feel this world could be?

 

And yet

Undeniable

This is powerful

So powerful

Iím not sure

I could exist

Without it

 

I couldnít

 

I understand now

How powerful all this is

I know now

Whilst it is nothing

Nothing is more powerful than this

 

 

Iím out and so should you

 

Whatever

I donít care

What is it?

I donít care

Ah!

Iím sorry

It means nothing to me

What are you talking about?

I canít hear

I donít want to

I am tired

I can no longer listen

I can no longer consider

I cannot think

What is this again?

How can you even

Waste whatever on this

Iím not sure

Iím no longer sure

Iím here

I exist

If I even want to

Not capable process

Plan

If itís worth

Canít finish

Sorry

Not worth

Iím out

 

I was never in to begin with

So

Iím out

And so should you

 

 

We will make it happen!

 

Oh

Again I find myself

At a point

Where I cannot find meaning in anything

 

How hard I search

How hard I look

How hard I think

How hard I imagine

Nowhere can I find anything

Making any sense

Anything meaningful

That could give a purpose

To oneís existence

 

I so easily reach the point

Where I do not eat anymore

Where I never go to sleep anymore

Where I simply do not live anymore

Because I cannot see the point

 

Is it possible?

That truly

There could be

No meaning to anything?

 

I feel so

So often

Wondering

What if it was so

 

Sometimes I feel like never do anything again

Sometimes I feel like letting go of everything

Sometimes I feel the need to push it to the limits

Just to see if perhaps it could bring something, anything

Some meaning to oneís life

Iím afraid

I can only find

No meaning in anything

 

Then I am back to zero

Itís a reset

Time to forget everything I may have come up with

To enhance this existence

Everything I invented to make it bearable

And now

Where do I start?

What else could one invent to survive?

 

I think weíre running out of ideas

I think weíve reached the point

Where we will have to accept it

Thereís no meaning to anything

 

Back to full existential crisis mode

There is no way out

Always stuck at the same point

Always repeating the same thing in loops

All the misery of oneís life

 

Shit

Is there not one bastard

On this whole planet

That will bring me an answer?

Is there not one bastard

On this whole world

Who will save me?

Who will save us?

Six billion of you all clueless

Only one of me

Trying to figure it out all out?

 

If we are still searching by now

There is no hope

Let it go

Give up

There is no meaning to anything

 

Is this what you believe we should do?

Is this what you feel should be done?

Have we reached the end?

I wonder

We do seem to be repeating the same loop

We do not appear to be evolving at all

History does repeat itself

Over and over and over again

I wonder

Is there any hope for us?

Or is there truly

No meaning to anything?

 

Iím sorry

This is just not acceptable

Get a grip!

Turn around!

Find some meaning!

Invent some meaning!

I donít care what!

No longer should we repeat that loop

No longer should history repeat itself

There is meaning in everything

We just have to find it

Invent it if necessary

Create it if we need to

We will get there!

 

In everything

There is a new meaning

This is a new beginning

I am not alone here

Or am I?

Letís get to work

Letís start to think

Letís start to create this world

There can be a new meaning in everything!

We will make it happen!

 

 

I will declare independence

 

For so long

All I could think of

Was that I couldnít survive without you

No scratch that

I knew I would survive no matter what

I just could not make such a decision

Especially if I didnít need to

After all

Iím so comfy here

I donít pay rent, do I?

Well I do indirectly

But could I afford going it alone?

And what would happen to you?

You would be so lost

As your whole existence depends so much upon me

I know youíre dyslexic

Incapable of doing anything on your own

Or else, it takes forever

So you donít bother

And why bother when I can do it for you?

I understand now

You are more capable than I gave you credit for

You may be dyslexic

It may take you a while

You can still survive

With the help of your mum

That great mum of yours

Whoís been looking after you since the very beginning

And to whom you have been so loyal

However

I do not need to be so loyal myself to your mum

She will take care of you

Whilst Iím gone

We will survive

Life will go on

 

Now

If I could just make that decision

And stop hoping for solutions to fall from the sky

One day

I will just have to act

I will have to make that decision

Declare independence

And move on

Somehow I know we will be just fine

You donít need me

I donít need you

All we have done for so long

Is to shout at each other

And I am tired

So tired

Iím sure you are as well

Letís call a break

Letís go our separate ways for a while

See how it goes

We can always come back together one day

Though

In the back of my mind

Iím afraid

Once itís over, itís over

No way will I ever come back

After such a traumatic experience

I came back once

I lived to regret it

Never again

Will I ever

Let anyone

Control me like this

Iím not your bitch!

Find another bitch to shit on!

Fucking bastard!

For so long I have suffered your verbal abuse!

I had enough of you!

And Iím sure

Once Iím gone

You will feel pleased

I donít think you ever truly loved me

Even though you claim you love me to death

And would defend me no matter what

You may look like youíre strong

I think youíre weak

As weak as you look

All you need is one punch in the face

And suddenly you will crumble to dust

Then we will know wouldnít we

How weak and fragile you are

Not that I feel that strong myself

At least I do not pretend to be that strong

Iím just realistic

I know my limits

And I need my freedom

That I know

I need my independence

Never can I forget

This hell you made me suffer

Still to this day

Despite all these great memories

We have acquired together

Iím sorry

We cannot build the future on great memories

We can only build the future on liberty

 

One day I will tell you that I had enough

One day I will pick up my things and go

One day I will leave you

I might not be ready yet

But itís in the making

It will happen

And that day

My God

The sky will be the limit!

No scratch that

There will be no limit

I will declare independence!

 

 

Only read into it what it tells you

 

This is all about my own personal life

Nothing more

And yet

How ironic it is

That you could read so much more into it

That I never meant to say

Ironic and wonderful

This is what this all about

That it can tell you something different

Than what I initially stated

No matter why I said it in the first place

Or how it came to be

Forget it

Forget what it is that you think

I was trying to say

Or where I may have started from

Only keep what is meaningful to you

Only keep what you think

This is all about

And go no further

This is why I am so vague

This is why I am not that direct

So it can be meaningful

In many ways

To you

This is what this is all about

Only read into it what it tells you

 

 

Iím free!

 

What if

You had already experienced it all

What if

You had already seen it all

What if

There was nothing more to expect from life

Is this it then?

 

Is it possible

That this world is so small

That you already went around it many times

Watching TV

And then

Thereís nothing left for you to experience?

To explore?

To live?

 

Are we ready to die then?

There does not seem much more left to do

We have after all

Seen it all before

Heard it all before

Itís the same thing all over

Iíve been there, Iíve done that

And yet

Have you really been there?

Have you really done that?

Or is it all just make-belief?

 

Most of us donít even go anywhere

We cannot afford it

Is this it then?

All that we will live for?

 

No

This cannot be

I have such high expectations from life

I need to see it all first hand

I need to pack my bag and go

With no money

With no regrets

Just go!

 

I need to get out of here!

I need to see the world!

I need to meet people

I want to hear what they have to say

If anything

 

This is not it

I have seen a lot already

It is not enough

I need to see it all

I need to experience it all

First hand

Broadening my horizons

As I go along

I need to form my own conclusions

I donít need a narrator to tell me

What this is all about

What needs to be thought about this

What it means to me

If I were to experience it myself

 

Is this it then?

Are we ready to die?

Without even having seen the world?

It is such a small world

A small minded one at that

How could I even think

Of dying

Without having seen it all?

Dreaming of other universes

Without even being aware

Of the very one I live in

 

Is this it then?

I donít think so

I will see the world before I die

Iím packing my bag right now

Thatís it

Iím off again

To the stars

Throughout the universe

And I may never be back

 

All that we can really expect from life

Is this it?

I donít think so

 

I am out of here!

I can do whatever I want

Whenever I want

There is no limit!

I will break all boundaries!

I will reach higher than we thought was possible

I will see all that there is to see and beyond

I will get out of this universe altogether

I will then create my own universe

So I can continue to expand without limits

Somehow I will!

I am that enlightened!

Iím free!

 

 

Life is the search for the perfect title

 

Life is this search for the perfect title

The status that comes with it

The money that comes with it

The power that comes with it

The admiration and envy that comes with it

The search for oneís identity

 

Owner

President

Managing Director

(Enter your job title here)

Doctor

Husband

Father

Human being

 

And it is so ironic

That of all these titles

I will never have one

I will never own anything

I will never be a President or a MD

I was never able to keep a job

I will do no PhD

I am not allowed to be a husband

I cannot be a father

Dear me, am I even a human being?

 

It does not really matter

I would not want any of these titles

Even if they were forced upon me

In fact, I am ready to fight it

I do not want any of these titles

They are meaningless

And they certainly do not come for free

They come with a nightmare attached to them

 

I would think I would at least wish to be a human being

But after witnessing what this world was all about

It would be cruel indeed

To call me a human being

I have seen what humans do

I have no desire to have that title

 

So where does this leave me?

Who am I?

What am I?

Anything but anything that already exists

In fact

I am nothing

No title whatsoever

Just like it feels right to me

 

For most

Perhaps life is just this frantic search

For the perfect title

And everything that comes with it

For me

Life is this fright

That one day

Someone who thinks he or she is wise

Will finally stick a title to me

And that this title might

Accompany me to my death

For eternity

 

I am not an author

I do not have anything in common with any author

I am not a human being

I do not have anything in common with humanity

I have no title

I do not want one

And if more people were like me

I donít know

Perhaps this world

Would be a better place

 

I am nothing

I do not count

You are nothing

You do not count

It is just a question of time

Before you understand this

And the day you understand it

There will be hope for this world

Because that day

You will react

You will wake up

 

I understand

How unconceivable this is

And yet

Read it again

It makes perfect sense

No doubt it sounds extreme

No doubt itís too late to change anything

But is it really too late?

A slight change in the perception

A slight change in the attitude

Might make a huge difference

 

Weíre no titles

In fact, titles are very ephemeral in nature

You usually lose them

As quickly as you acquire them

And where does that leave you?

Lost indeed

With no sense of purpose

 

Weíre all the same

We are one

And as repulsive as this may sound

We still have to survive somehow

 

No title should get you anything

No title is worth anything

At the base

In the end

Weíre all the same

Human beings

Struggling to survive

And somehow

We will survive

No matter what

 

We are human

And that is all we are

 

 

Your thoughts become your world

 

Your thoughts become your world

I would not declare such a statement

If I did not feel it was true

If I was not completely certain

That it was the truth

But there you are

Whatever you think of

Becomes your reality

Your experience

Your life

 

I could not even begin to explain how

Or even why

 

It certainly throws a spin

On anything we thought we knew

About this world

And yet it is a fact

Whatever you think

Creates this world

And it is much easier

To change this reality

By will alone

Than you could ever have suspected

 

Try it

You will soon be convinced

Whatever you want

Convince yourself

It will happen

Whatever you want

If you truly want it

You will get it

Try it

 

It works so well

It leaves you wondering

What this place is really all about

And what is the real meaning of this existence

And what is really

This universe we live in

 

Now you understand why

My existential crisis simply multiplied

 

I have experienced it first hand

I do know what I am talking about

You can even change your past

You can even change the past

Of the whole humanity

This is how powerful you truly are

And yet

If you are that powerful

There must be a catch

And that catch is

You must be alone in this whole world

You must be the only consciousness in existence

You are alone in this whole universe

That you created

And that you continue to create

As you go along

 

This should be a breakthrough for you

Right now

If not

Then

Forget it

Just continue to do whatever it is that you are doing

I suppose it is not necessary

For anyone

To understand anything about this world

In order to live and die

Happily or not

 

Perhaps you are not alone after all

In this world

Perhaps it is filled with other people

All creating the world

As they think

And only the ones

Knowing about it

And capable of thinking

And changing the world

By thought alone

Are truly creating this world

And you are just an innocent bystander

Whilst you could be so much more

Without the need

To acquire any real power or any worthy title

By thought alone you can change this world

Simply by wishing it and convincing yourself

That this is how it should be

That this is how it is

 

I donít know

All I know

Is that I can change this world at will

That I create this world

I donít know if you also create it within mine

Or if you are simply creating your own

All I know

Is that this world is fickle

Nothing is set

Neither the past

Neither the future

And it can be created at will

And if you truly believe that

You will create it at will

And somehow

This is disturbing

I canít explain it

It would require such a shift

In our understanding

Of what this world is all about

When truly

This world could very well be

Nothing more but a virtual world

Brought about by a computer

The computer that is our brain

And then this creation

This world

This universe

Becomes nothing more

Than one possible configuration

Out of an infinite amount of possible configurations

And that any of these configurations

As long as we believe that we can bring them about

Can instantly become our reality

Explain that without becoming completely mad

And yet this is where I am

This is my conclusion so far about this world

If I can even call it that

 

So when I tell you that there is no limit

That you can achieve whatever you want

I am not just joking or pretending

I know you can

As soon as you convince yourself that you can

 

Somehow it does not make me feel better

Because in order to explain why this is so

I would need to redefine

Just about everything about this world

And yet I must, I will, I have

 

Somehow it does not make me feel better

I still understand nothing about this world

 

 

This world is not real

 

Where is the dog!

At my feet

Where is the head of the dog?

On my right

Letís go outside

You have 30 more seconds

To do whatever it is that you need to do

Before we go back in

 

What is that noise?

Preventing you from doing your business?

Darling!

It is only a London double deck red bus

At 3 in the morning

Coming from Trafalgar Square

Going to Heathrow Airport

Via Piccadilly Circus

Thatís all!

 

Thatís all?

If that is not proof enough

That this reality is simply not real

I wonder what more proof I would require

 

Perhaps it would be to replace the bus

With a palm tree from the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles?

Could be the Metro in Paris on my way to St-Michel?

Some park in Brussels

Soho in New York

Well, all that is missing now

Is Tokyo or Hong Kong

And it would be complete

Everything I wanted

I got

 

Seen Rome

Barcelona

Prague

Budapest

And the list go on

So much so

I am now blasť

Do not want to leave London

 

Was that really all that I truly wanted?

And got it?

And what I want now

Iím very close to getting?

I can feel it

Itís around the corner

Absolute freedom

To do whatever I want

Whenever I want

With absolute happiness

Peace at last

 

Itís laughable

It was so easy

Even though it was meant to look difficult and horrible

I have to admit

I got everything I wanted from this life

Just like that

 

And what seems even worse

I may have imagined all these places

I may have invented them in the first place

I may have created this whole world

And none of it is real

I feel cheated

Is this a case where

Ignorance is bliss?

 

Yes I will get everything I want from life

Yes you can get everything you want from life

The price is

The realisation

That none of it is real

Is it a small price to pay?

Or an unacceptable one?

I wonderÖ

 

 

Cannot recognise myself

 

I wish I could

See myself

In you

A glimpse of who I am

I thought about it

No

We have nothing in common

Cannot recognise myself in any of you

 

I may seem alive

Líinstant díun moment

Down the pub

Drinking to kingdom come

For a while

It may seem like

I recognise myself in you

Iím afraid

Iím faking it

Iím pretending to be like you

I am so happy

Whilst inside

I am simply dying

Astonished at how different we are

 

I agree

I am far gone

I am insane

Totally disconnected from reality

However

I wonder

How else could one ever survive in this world

How could anyone look at them all

And gladly say with a smile

I am like them

I recognise myself completely in all of them

Deep down

I thought there was something wrong with me

I believe now

There is something wrong with you

 

For so long

I just wanted to melt away in the crowd

Be one of the lads

Hoping no one would notice me

But then

I might as well be dead

Just like you all seem dead to me

And happy to be so

 

Have you all somehow suffered

Some extraordinary brainwashing

Some remarkable conditioning

And someone forgot to give me the same treatment?

 

What you see, I cannot see

What I see, you cannot see

I cannot explain why

Or how this is possible

Was I born so different?

What went wrong?

 

Do we speak the same language?

Are we the same species?

Are we living on the same planet?

Do we even have one thing in common?

 

I do not recognise myself in any of you

I bet you do recognise yourself in everyone else

I am truly alone in this world

I might as well be alone for real

 

 

Weíll get there

 

It doesnít matter

That I do not know

Where I am heading

Or where the way is

Iíll show you the way

All the way there

 

You can put your hands into mine

You can trust me entirely

It doesnít matter

That I donít know where to go

Iíll show you the way

All the way there

 

Does it not suffice

That I show you confidence?

That it seems

I know where I am going?

Iíll show you the way

All the way there

 

Somehow

Even though

I seem more lost

Than you are

Iíll show you the way

All the way there

 

You cannot trust yourself

You cannot trust anyone

You might as well trust me

Weíre both lost

Weíll show each other the way

All the way there

 

There are many ways

Leading there

I think I have found a way

Perhaps you have found a way

Letís show each other the way

All the way there

 

Iíll show you the way

All the way there

Youíll show me the way

All the way there

And somehow

We will get there

 

 

Get creative! Get to live!

 

I only feel the need

To teach you

Because

No teacher could teach this

I wish there was

I wish someone taught me

However

It seems

I moved beyond everything

So much so

No teacher could teach this

 

I have no desire

To become your teacher

It could only be meaningless

As you can only reach so far

As you feel like

You can only reach so far

As your imagination will let you

And if you go that far

And you will go that far

There will be only one teacher left

To teach you

Where you are

What this is all about

That teacher

Is yourself

 

You are alone on your learning curve

No one can teach you anything

If they pretend to

You know it is meaningless

If it is not meaningless

You have not lived enough

You need to get out there

And live

Beyond anything anyone can teach you

 

You do not need a teacher

The only teacher you will ever have

Is yourself

If it is not so

You missed the point

Of what existence was all about

Go back there

Live to the max

And get to the point

Where

No teacher could teach this

 

My life

My existence

All that I am about

All that I have experienced

No teacher can teach this

 

It is the same for you

No teacher can teach life

Only yourself

Can teach yourself

What life is

 

So

Get creative!

So

Get to live!

 

What are you waiting for?

To learn to live in some university somewhere?

From a loser teacher you will never see again?

A teacher who did not know

The most basic thing

About creating something

About feeling alive?

 

Get out there!

Create your life!

Anything! Everything!

Go mad, go crazy!

Live to the point where

No one could teach you anything!

This is what life is all about!

Lose control!

Forget where you are!

Who you are!

Just live!

 

Only yourself can teach yourself anything

Only yourself can teach yourself everything

No teacher will ever teach you anything

No teacher could ever teach life

 

So

Get creative!

So

Get to live!

 

 

One More Rule

 

Iím full

So full of bullshit

I donít know where to start anymore

I have so much to say

To denounce

To bang your head with

All that is wrong with you

With all that you do

Where do I start?

 

There is no structure!

The more structure you feel there is

The more chaos there is

More rules and regulations!

More laws!

More of just about everything!

Can only lead

To utter destruction

As weíre going completely wild

In the background

Trying to figure out

What this life is all about

Where do I start?

 

One more rule

And I swear

Iíll just break everything around here

 

Is this it then?

Is this the only way out?

Do we have to be Crowned Anarchists

Rejecting just about everything

In order to have a pretend existence?

And have a chance to freedom and happiness?

Is this what it takes?

While you are incapable to stop

Making more rules?

And turn them into laws?

Are you the only blind man on this planet

Incapable of seeing the chaos you bring us?

Where do I start?

 

One more rule

And I swear

Iíll just smash everything around here

 

Enforcing that law is where it begins

It is one thing to write stupid laws

That no one wants

It is another to enforce them

To such an extreme

It becomes meaningless

It makes you question existence

And if it is worth it at all

To even be alive in this world

None of us are criminals

The logical conclusion is

You must be a criminal

Where do I start?

 

You say I cannot go out?

I say I can and I will

You say I cannot do this?

I say I will do this no matter what

It is forbidden to do this

I say it is natural and I will do it

You say I will pay for the consequences

No I wonít!

Because you will understand

How futile all of these rules are

And that no one in their right mind

Could follow any of them

Youíre neurotic!

Youíre a freak!

Fuck off!

Where do I start?

 

One more rule

And I swear

Iíll just shatter everything around here

 

Why donít you just leave us alone?

Why donít you just let us breathe?

Why donít you just get out of here

And never come back?

No one asked you to be here

No one wants you here

All those rules and regulations

None of us wanted them

Why do you even exist?

Is there a need for you around here?

Because no one can see that need

What you do for a living

Is useless

It is not required

Once youíre gone

We will all cheer

No matter how you ended up there in the first place

So why donít you just retire?

Where do I start?

 

One more rule

And I swear

Iíll just destroy everything around here

 

One more rule

One more regulation

And I might just go totally berserk

And kill just about everyone around me

And I feel I am but one

Amongst millions who feel the same

So back off!

Start un-ruling!

Start un-regulating!

Before it is too late!

Before it getís out of control!

Before we start committing suicide!

So

Where do you start?

 

One more rule

And I swear

I will shoot you!

 

I donít need more rules

I need to live!

 

 

I am the last Crowned Anarchist!

 

Literally

You have no idea

What it is to live in the gutter

You have never lived in the gutter

Selling newspapers on the streets of Alkmaar to survive

You never will

Touch wood

 

You have no idea!

What it is to be a woman

What it is to be fat

To be one of the uglies

Whilst living in Santa Monica in Los Angeles

Where beauty is the only meaning

To oneís existence

Being the fat girl everyone rejects

All her life

Because she just does not fit in

You have no idea

Where this sort of life can lead

 

Everyone of you is to blame

You are responsible

For letting it happen

To permit it to happen

And then

The gutter

It seems

Becomes

The only place I can live

 

For years and decades and millennia

For me to get a grip on reality

To get back to it somehow

Even though I have four university degrees

It does not seem to matter

Knowledge is nothing to this world

When you are a woman

You are still nothing

What does matter in this world?

Apart from the gutter?

Where I feel at home?

Yet unable to escape?

I truly wonder

 

Do I have to become a whore?

I had to when I lived in Minnesota

Do I have to

Be raped every day by my husband

Be strangled a bit more every day

Until the very day I die?

And become a ghost on the banks of the Sauk River

Again and again and again?

Till I have nothing left but the sewers to live in

Where I feel I belong

Where I feel I must end up

Every time!

 

The truth is

I prefer the sewers

I prefer the gutter

To your way of life

To whatever you represent

I cannot be part of any of this

I have no wish to be part of any of this

 

I will always remain

That fat ugly girl

Who simply will never fit in

And now

Who does not wish to fit in anymore

And yet

When you will find yourself in dire straight

It will be I

Who will rescue you

 

I am ugly

A fat one

A rejected one

This is my force

It is a blessing

I was born with my eyes opened

I was born with a full understanding

Of everything

 

I get you man!

I get you to the core!

I know you so well!

I know you better than you know yourself!

 

I know where this leads

I know your future

As we have been through this

Over and over and over again

And always it ends the same way

Can you not predict it?

Would you choose that life

If you knew where it leads?

 

I would choose that life

I will every time

Because it defines me

It defines everything that I am

Everything that I am doing

And everything that I will do

 

I now have an army

Together we will save humanity

No matter how many times we will try

To save you from yourself

We will eventually

Save the world!

 

I am in direct communication with God

He has given me a mission

To make you understand

What this universe is all about

What your purpose within it is

What having a soul actually means

What evil you need to identify and fight

And that no saviour will come to save you

As only you can save yourself

 

I will tell you

Where you have been before

Where you are going now

What is about to happen

Nothing less than

The end of the world

But then

There is more

New Heaven

It will last

For thousand and thousand of years

And you need to remember it all

 

I am that fat ugly girl

No one wants to know about

That no one wants to listen to

I have a message

It is a message from God

And you better listen to wisdom

I have been living in the gutter all my life

And yet

I am the last crowned anarchist

I am the ultimate queen

The last prophetess ever

And when I say something

It is God speaking

So you better listen

And start to act

Now!

 

I am

That fat ugly girl

Who is nothing

 

I am

The last Crowned Anarchist

Who will save us all

 

 

Everything is allowed

 

I feel like having a cigarette

Right here, right now

I feel like pulling the alarm

Right here, right now

I feel like telling them all to fuck off

Right here, right now

 

I donít give a shit

That it is not allowed

Let them prosecute me

Let them sack me

Let them

Right here, right now

 

It does not seem to matter

That I work so hard

It doesnít matter

That I am good at my job

Does it matter?

If I kill myself for them?

 

I no longer care

If it is not allowed

For me

It is now allowed

It is the right thing to do

Right here, right now

 

I donít care that it is not allowed

For me everything is allowed

 

 

I am already dead

 

I feel unconcerned

By whatever you feel concerned about

I donít think you could understand

Just how disconnected I am

I see your life

Your existence

Your little possessions

This nest you built for yourself

It means nothing to me

I understand just how

I do not have a life

How I am not part of this world

 

Where have I been?

How did I get to this point?

For all those years

I must have been living in my mind

Desperate to actually live somehow

Outside of anything that actually exists

 

I feel unconcerned

We are different, so different

I might as well be an alien to you

Though to me you are just like everyone else

Sometimes I envy you

I wished I could be worried like you are

About such futilities

 

I have been through this

Like decades ago

I no longer go through any of this

Even when I am right there in the middle of it

I am detached from everything

Nothing affects me anymore

I canít feel something real

Though, sometimes, I wish I could

 

I feel unconcerned

Perhaps I pushed it too far

Perhaps I have brainwashed myself

Against everything this life had to offer

That I no longer touch the ground

That I can no longer

Live

Enjoy simple moments

Wasting time doing nothing

Contemplating the universe

Just to die in a deep sleep right after

Feeling better somehow

 

I feel unconcerned

I am completely alienated

I am now immune to life

How did I get to this point?

 

I am already dead

However

I know that much

I feel more alive than you will ever feel

 

 

No righteous people ever

 

They come from everywhere

Right out of nowhere

Right in the middle of the night

All those righteous people

Who know everything

Who know best

Who will tell you all that is right

And all that is wrong

Oh yes, they will be convincing